wash my guilt with tears

sometimes life slaps you across the face. and it stings. and the wound just gets deeper and deeper.

one of my best friends is going through the unimaginable right now. something i probably couldnt go through. but me, i feel crumby. im so selfish sometimes. if any of yall know me, you know that i battle alot with being selfish, and recently i have been really intentional to keep my heart close to God's, and ive been able to conquer that fleshly side. but monday night, i let it live, and now its all i can think about.
so now, my friend is going through the worst possible scenario, and all i can think of is how crumby i have been, and i hope she knows that i love her more then ever. i need to tell her im sorry. i want to know that she still loves me.
and when i take a step back, im sure it was in God's plan. there was a reason i didnt make it up to her house to see her that night. but the thought still plagues me. every fiber is wrung with guilt.

and to think of all the people that emerged out of my past yesterday. the myriad of people who called me, who thought of me. nothing happened to me. im the selfish brat that feels guilty. but regardless, it meant alot. and thank you to everyone that did call. i hope that i am that good to you like you are to me.

and as i sat there on the floor yesterday waiting for the news and gripping the hand of one of my closest friends. my mind ran. and it sprinted. it would have won the olympics. i thought to myself, "if something has happened to one of my friends, i will not be able to pick myself off this floor". that is where i would have died. turned to dust. that was it. my life. my life hung in the balance. and so i pray to God, that if i ever go through anything direct like that, that he will pick me up. i dont want to die on a dirty studio floor. i want to die in His arms.

so the story continues.

and as i write this post, i am at peace. i heard the voice.
and she still loves me.
despite the friend i am sometimes.
and all i want to do is wash away the guilt with tears.

oh God, forgive the little things.