It's time.

Now that the entire pastoral staff at Generation has decided to join the blogging world, I suppose it's time I revive this thing.

I have little to say, however. Or far too much. I am never really sure.

I must say that being a girls pastor over the past couple months has been full of joy. The girl interns have whittled down to four. And I could not imagine a more amazing group of women to do ministry with. I also now only have two girl leaders, and they too are amazing. To Megan, Amy, Mia, Laura, Katie, and Hannah... you are fierce women of God, and I am honored to do ministry with you.

God planted within me a heart for girls when He called me to this position over a year ago. I have never been the same since. But I often feel a burden on my shoulders now. I have heard Pastor Joey speak about even being physically weighed down by the burden he feels in his spirit. And I have come to know that feeling. At least in part. For the girls.... I want so much for them. But most of all, I want them to know God. I want them to understand what it means to know God. And often times, I just don't think they do. I hate Wednesday night services being the God they know. Yes, they may encounter His presence there. And it is good. But I can't help but feel desperate for them if that is ALL they know. God is so good. I want them to know Him.

And because of all that... I want to know Him more. I wake up every day with a hunger inside of me. I have a lot of work to do on my own being! I want to set forth a good example. Not just in the way I handle life. Most of all, I want to set an example on how I love Christ and hunger to know God more. Every single day.

It's not much. But that's my heart.

Simple Devotion. (More to come)

Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul
To lay hold of that which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again

And then I'll just lean into sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
And I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth
Over and over and over and over again
This is my simple devotion
My walk of faith, day by day,
Over and over and over and over again

And then I hear you say
As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
I hear You say as You stand in heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me
"O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that dark night of faith
She is gazing at Me!
O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that cloud of unknowing
She's gazing at Me!
And You have ravished My heart
My sister, My bride
With one glance of your eye!"
Over and over and over and over again...

- "Simple Devotion" by Misty Edwards

WONDERFULLY BEAUTIFUL.

Also, check out the completed list of books read in 2008. :D

Faithful.

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what O long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
Knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

- "Faithful" by Brooke Fraser

The vision.

I went to a park during lunch to seriously answer the questions asked of me last night.
Here is some of what I wrote.

a) Do I have vision for my life?
-> YES! Sometimes I think that I have too much... I am completely inadequate. But here's the crazy thing.... I sense the potential within me. I just feel like thats all its ever going to be. Potential. And that thought makes me sick. I need it to become reality. God help me.

Am I living for that vision?
-> No. I am living and yes, doing good things (big things, even)... but I am not living parelleled with the vision I have for myself. No... it is much greater.

b) Do I see the vision of Generation Ministries?
-> Yes. And I see myself as a part of that. But even I am expendable, and I need to raelize that.

Am I willing to live for that vision?
-> Yes. I want to. I just need the strength and guidance to make the decisions to have my life align with that.

Does my vision align with the vision of Generation?
-> Yes! My vision wholeheartedly lines up with the vision. Oh God, let it not get away from me.

c) What is it that I am not seeing?
-> I see my vision as a dream, not a future. It is not real to me.

May God have grace on my poor decisions and selfish pursuits.

With everything, with everything, I will shout for Your glory.
With everything, with everything, I will shout forth Your praise.

It's just one of those days.

The ones that if you know me, you have most likely heard about. Where my heart just wants to throw up on everyone. :(
I know... it's quite pathetic.

Today, I am just pushing through.
Looking to God, begging for joy, for peace, for hope, for whatever He has to give me.
My emotions are draining my potential. It's a frustrating thing to watch.
I have to make decisions that will drive me in the direction I need to go.

I have to be who God created me to be.
And I can't allow other people to get in the middle of that.
I must find joy.