my boss is not at work. and i have nothing to do. here we go, blog.
so.
i am a very careful person. i dont know if that is a good thing or not? or maybe sometimes its good, and sometimes its not.
last night it was raining cats and dogs. and at 2am, we decided to go play outside. it was actually a wonderful time to begin with, two feet of water and everything. splashing and playing, and wrestling in the grass. oh, mallorie. but then the lightning storm got closer and closer. thunder followed the lightning immediately [if youre a storm timer like myself]. all of a sudden, i couldnt have fun anymore. i hate that. i was being careful. my parents have drilled in the "lightning + water = bad" equation into my head.
and then my friends made fun of me for being too careful. so, me standing on the grass, looked at them, and walked upstairs. i got ready for bed, and i went to sleep. i cant always keep other people safe, but i can keep myself safe.
it seems that life is full of freak tragic accidents. like friends convince a girl to go out and play in the water shortly before she is electrocuted. i had had my fun. why cant i be safe as well?
so last nights minor experience led to some deeper thought.
which moves on to other things. am i too safe when it comes to guys? i mean i had like 15 people over at my house on saturday night. everyone paired off except me and chris james. [and sarah who fell asleep]. so me and chris, sat outside at 4am wallowing in our usual pity parties. now it seems, people understand im not the
"hey lets make out and never talk again" kinda girl. which i guess is good. but do i miss out on the fun of life because im too careful with what i do with the hearts of others? or with my own heart?
and then everyone knows i dont have sex. is that unrealistic for this generation? can i actually find a guy who is willing to respect that? now to be honest, the decision used to be solely based on faith. its not so much anymore. its being safe. safe, i dont want to have a child with someone who may or may not be my husband [i would rather wait until i know for sure]. safe, my heart has been severely broken from a relationship without that kind of connection [could i handle anything more?]. its not even that a require that in a guy anymore. it would be amazingly wonderful, but its really unrealistic. and im ok with that. but the whole "im trying to stay a virgin" has become a part of my identity. its one more thing that makes me careful. safe. but its one more thing that will make my marraige beautiful.
more on me being safe since again, i have nothing to do here at work.
what if i like a guy? i probably wont tell him, unless it comes up. of course, im like the stinkin most obvious person you have ever met, so if i like a guy he will probably know it. as will everyone else. but still... i will just live my life praying that sometime he will tell me he knows that i do. am i too safe? i mean its such a trivial thing, but i still walk on the safe side. just because im interested in someone, doesnt mean i am head over heels. get realistic. but i always hope that he will say something before i have to. safe. but then again, it saves me from feeling like an idiot.
i drive ten-percent over the speed limit. no more, no less.
not so i can avoid a wreck, but so i can avoid a ticket.
safe.
i would say "goodnight, see you tomorrow" to my parents every night before bed.
because i thought if i said it, it must be true.
thats deep for an eight year old.
if i said that i would see them tomorrow, then they would be safe while they slept.
safe.
i cant think of anything else.
dont read this as, wow lauren is probably really boring. shes sounds so safe. im not always. its just in these little tidbits of life i have pulled out.
i swear im as crazy as the next person. almost. hah.
2 days ago
2 comments:
i hope people are reading this (your blog), because you write very well. you have some excellent thoughts and you pose some great questions! i thoroughly enjoy reading your posts.
on second thought,
i dont know if i like you knowing some of that about me.
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