To be all I need.

Gosh.
I want to be so much better.
I do feel completely inadequate, but I know that I can do it all in the same emotion. I guess that creates passion?
Pastor Joey has been trying to teach me that I don't need people. I really like to think that I do. It makes me open up to the wrong people and trust the wrong people, and it also never pushes me to have complete confidence in myself and my God. I like to have a crutch around. Not that I can anymore, but it's comfortable. And every now and then when the world starts crashing down, I frantically search for the person that is going to catch me. Too bad it will never be another human. I'll still try though. But at some point, I will understand that all I NEED is God.

So what if you catch me, where would we land?

I crave relationships. I'm not always so good at building them, but the desire is there. I love talking to new people and searching them out. I think that in every new person we learn a new facet of God's glory. But in the end of the day, I don't need them. :( I don't even need my friends.
It's about God being the center of everything. That just like Job, everything can fall apart, and we will still praise His name. I'm not sure I would. And that's where the problem is.

Just like anyone else, I always want to make it about me. And right now, that part of me is making me sick. I am so tired of that. For one, it never ends well and always causes pain. Because its not about me. As much as I want it to be. I like to try take control of things instead of just allowing God to have control. I keep trying to write my own story. But the story God has for me is going to be ten thousand times better than my best imagination. If I let it be.

I want what's next.
And I want freedom. From myself.

I have a new joy and a new hope in me. A zeal and a passion I have never had before. I am doing everything I know to do to not let it get away from me.
I love the people around me. I don't want them to go anywhere. But I can't need them.

Bob Nix is a very inspirational pastor in my life.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."
But we can't love perfectly, right? I don't know.
But Mr. Nix told me that perfect love is one of the few things we can actually attain in this life. And to love someone perfectly, we have to not need them.
To love someone perfectly, we have to not need them.
Not need them emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. We have to not need them. Because then we love them for the simple beauty of who they are and nothing else.

And that is how I want to love.