We are made of love,

This blog is going to be a day-long process.

Bear with me.

This weekend has made me think. I am a little thought ball. Every second, my mind is reeling over itself. It is making me uncomfortable.

Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.

What the heck is my path supposed to look like right now?!? God, I wish you would just come stand in front of me, grab me by the collar, and shake Your sense into my head. No, my heart. No, my soul. This is a spirit issue. It is deeper than my heart. My soul has become anxious.

And all the beauty stemming from it.

I just want to know more. I want to know more about God, and I want to know more about myself. And I want to know more about God in me. All I want is to know more. I thought to myself last night, "You dont know yourself". But I battle with the truth of that statement. Is me knowing that I dont know knowing more about myself than those who think they do?? Do I know myself better because I know that I dont know?? Confused yet??

Wrists get tired rewriting futures.
Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit.
We are creatures of habit.

Why does this not feel right?? Ah, revelation. It is not that the place that I am in is wrong. It is the way I got here. It was a head decision rather than a heart decision. It ignored the desires of the soul. So now I need to decide if this is good or not good. Was God's grace leading the head to follow the heart? Or do I need to rearrange?

We are made of love,

Why is ministry absent from my life?? Math is somehow a passion of mine. I have to be honest with myself. But it does not compare to my passion for youth ministry. Ministry period. Nor my passion to be a comforter. It is a secondary passion. That I hope one day will be incorporated into my primary passion. My life reflects my past. Yuck. I have an idea of success. This is what I am following. But this success wont mean much to me. It wont. Will they understand that?? I may achieve this "success", but will it mean much if I lose sight of my primary passion? If I fail at that, what meaning is everything else?
Maybe, God has allowed me to forfeit opportunities placed in my life that weren't in His will for my life. So send me a new opportunity. Now. Patience is growing thin. But I will wait...
My soul is anxious.

Yikes.

Say all the things that you really want to say
Then you'll find, the truest of forms will show
And finally you'll find your soul.

How do you say what you want to say, if you dont even know? What is the importance of having everything figured out?? I dont care anymore. Maybe one day I will, but I dont. I don't care if I know the answers to all those questions. I wish I did at times, but I dont know them. I am glad that I dont know those answers right now in my life. If I did, I would ask you to doubt my sincerity. I have not experienced enough, learned enough, studied enough, felt enough, loved enough, prepared enough to know those answers. One day, this, I hope, will change. But for now. All I want to do is love. All I want to do is relate. Knowing answers is of little concern right now. All I want to do is feel.

And every fracture caused by the lack of it.

All I want to do is listen.
Be still.
I want to soak up the world around me. The words around me. The relationships around me.
I want to figure things out. I want to study, and excavate, and figure things out for myself. I am tired of information making sense. I want to find the sense in things.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
- John 14:27

I want my spirit to be full. So that it overflows into my heart, my mind, and into my physical being. Right?
I want those around me to want the same things.


Do I want to study God instead of Finance for a semester? Is that allowed??

I dont know.
I dont know, yet.








p.s. - i wore long johns today. yup.