Fear.

So, I think I may have figured some things out. Maybe.
I've known a couple things.
I've known that there has been an overwhelming sense of fear that has pretty much dominated my life the past month or so. I have been sad most of the time, even though I regretfully admit that I have learned to play the "happy" game. Everyone knows its not genuine, they just also know it's not to be revealed when so much effort is put into intentionally covering it up.

I teach a lot. I have girls that love me, and I love them. And they listen to my words. And I try my best to seek out God's heart for them and bridge a gap almost. I ask him to tell me what He wishes they would hear, so that maybe they will listen to me as I wrap my physical arms around them. Most of the time, I teach them the same things I am trying to teach myself. I want change. I want change in myself. I want to become the things I teach. I want to train myself. I taught 2 Peter 1:5-11 last night among other things. I want that. For me.
But I do not want to change the things in my life.
I want to change me, but me only.
And my fear comes with the knowledge that that cannot be.
A product of changing yourself includes changing the things around you.
It's inevitable.
And I am too scared of that.

Ultimately, to change myself, it would require time and effort.
I don't have extra time and effort just lying around, so I would have to pull time and effort from other things and devote it to the training and equipping of myself. The things in my life that I would have to pull time and effort from are not secure. Meaning that time and effort is basically what keeps them there. So pulling one or both of those things would cut off their source of life and cause those things in my life to die. Change. And change that I don't want.
So change that I don't want is going to come along with the change that I do want.

Fear.
And so I get stuck.
Here.
With no security. No stability.
(Yes, Christian friends... I know that I should find security and stability in God, but this is where I choose to portray the reality of my feelings not the facts of the matter.)

Everything of security and stability is being ripped out from under me.
My home, my relationships, myself.
All going to change. Only one of which I want to.

And this is life.
So I smile and I keep going, hoping that I will have the courage to fall.