Down in my heart, hey!

My belief is that God is trying to teach me a lesson. And I think I am refusing to learn it. Not because I don't want to but because the lesson is hard and it takes heartache.

Joy.

I believe that there is a joy that comes from God. This is a joy that is everlasting. Always there. Never gone. You can have complete joy in God. Joy and happiness are different. Happiness is momentary. I'm happy when I eat a burrito from Chipotle. But that burrito doesn't give me joy. Joy is everlasting. My happiness from my burrito only lasts until it is digested, and my body begins to beg for more food. How human. Not everlasting, but rather very ephemeral. That is happiness.
But what my soul longs for is joy.

I think too much of my emotion is dependent on my external circumstances. I carnally derive my joy from the relationships in my life, my success, the things that happen to me. But I really think God is trying to get me to a place where all my joy comes from Him. It is not fleeting. In that, my emotions are stabilized. I become stronger. I become more.
Joy that comes from the inside out, not the outside in.

I want the fullness of joy that God has for me.
I want to learn the lesson.
But I am scared of the test.

An ounce of passion.

So I think I have centralized my thoughts enough to write about them, so here we are.

And it all begins with a John Piper quote I heard. Or a couple of John Piper quotes that I heard, actually.

"A great hindrance to our ministry is the gulf between our Biblical understanding and the corresponding passions of our hearts. The glorious and horrible truths which thunder through the Bible cause only a faint echo of fear and ecstasy in our hearts. We take a megaton of truth upon our lips and speak it with an ounce of passion."

Yes. I have been talking to people all weekend about this thought because it has begun to plague me. We really do have a megaton of truth in our hearts. It's like that C.S. Lewis quote: "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important". I am convicted about how locked up I keep the truth that I have in my heart. I will let it out, but only when people want it. I guess we have become so cautious about not "shoving our beliefs down the throats of others"... but by doing that, are we not draining power from the gospel? If the basis of Christianity is true, and Jesus truly died on a cross 2000 years ago so that His blood would cover our sin that we may be given the grace to spend eternity with Him and escape the flames of hell, then how can we view that as moderately important?! If that is true (which I wholly believe it is), then that is the most important thing that anyone could ever discover in their lives. And how do I sit with that truth locked up in my heart like an atomic bomb that brings freedom and change and new hope and restoration and new faith and new love and so much more, and I speak it with an ounce of passion. Like I have lost confidence in its power. It is selfish of me to not share what I know with the people I encounter. I am not saying that it always has to be done with words, but I believe that I should always be a light in the darkness. I don't want to extinguish my flame because others don't know how to deal with fire. I want to show them the beauty of the light and the warmth. And the consuming power.

This all started Friday night and where I was and who I was with. And I am not going to go into it, but I truly spent time with people that had not experienced Truth. And I just don't think that I spoke of it in the intense way that I truly believe in it. Is it lack of courage? Is it pride? I'm not sure.... But perhaps, I let some people remain in the dark where they are comfortable when I could have lit the flame and let it change their life as they know it. Of course, I cannot do anything. Silly human...


"When the heart no longer feels the truth of hell, the gospel passes from good news to just news. The intensity of joy is blunted and the heart-spring of love is dried up." - John Piper

I just got really excited.

I don't even know why though.
I think I was just thinking about what all is coming up. My heart wants to leap out of my body. Sure, it is all just events... but I can still be excited. I am even more excited about what God is going to do in the next few months. I must be intentional. I am anxious. Something new is coming... perhaps. I don't know. I'm just excited.

See You AT & AFTER the Pole is on September 24th!
Invisible Children are coming October 15th and 16th!
Abandoned Retreat is November 7th - 9th!!!!!!
XXX Church is coming next year!
We are going on mission trips (hopefully, pending finances, of course)!
... I dont want to let too many cats out of the bag ...

And all of it is to bring glory to the God of the universe. I pray and pray that we stay grounded. Firm in our vision and mission and goal. We live a life to bring love. The love of Christ to those who haven't felt it.
Let me be more. Let me be better.

I work and live amongst the greatest family I could ever ask for. Both biologically and spiritually.

Oh God, in everything that I do, let my life bring praise and worship and glory to Your name.

My heart...

...is to change the world. With love, by action. I am not normal. And I am not mediocre. I will go above and beyond. "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). I will be a woman who numbers her days. I will take what God has placed in my hands and use it to bring Him glory. He is worthy to be praised. He is worthy of my action. As He gave me EVERYTHING, I will do my best to give everything as well. As He gave His life, I will give mine. I will make every effort to align my life with the heart of God. Oh God, I want to live a life absent of fear and doubt, and full of love and life. To live in the abundance of life in whichever way you choose for me. I will be a mother for Your people. I will lead from the inside out. I will weigh every experience from the outside in.
For you, oh God, I live this life.
For you, oh God, I commit this life. This very breath.
I give it all to you. That I may KNOW you, and that you may KNOW me.
YOU ARE MY DESIRE.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE MY DESIRE.
I. LOVE.

(24 August 2008)

Also...

"Dear reader, if you will not believe until you understand all mysteries, you will never be saved. If you allow your self-invented difficulties to keep you from accepting pardon through your Lord and Savior, you will perish in an eternal condemnation that will be richly deserved. Do not commit spiritual suicide through a passion for discussing philosophical subtleties."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon