.something thoughtful.

It's time.

2009-05-11T09:29:00.001-07:00

Now that the entire pastoral staff at Generation has decided to join the blogging world, I suppose it's time I revive this thing.

I have little to say, however. Or far too much. I am never really sure.

I must say that being a girls pastor over the past couple months has been full of joy. The girl interns have whittled down to four. And I could not imagine a more amazing group of women to do ministry with. I also now only have two girl leaders, and they too are amazing. To Megan, Amy, Mia, Laura, Katie, and Hannah... you are fierce women of God, and I am honored to do ministry with you.

God planted within me a heart for girls when He called me to this position over a year ago. I have never been the same since. But I often feel a burden on my shoulders now. I have heard Pastor Joey speak about even being physically weighed down by the burden he feels in his spirit. And I have come to know that feeling. At least in part. For the girls.... I want so much for them. But most of all, I want them to know God. I want them to understand what it means to know God. And often times, I just don't think they do. I hate Wednesday night services being the God they know. Yes, they may encounter His presence there. And it is good. But I can't help but feel desperate for them if that is ALL they know. God is so good. I want them to know Him.

And because of all that... I want to know Him more. I wake up every day with a hunger inside of me. I have a lot of work to do on my own being! I want to set forth a good example. Not just in the way I handle life. Most of all, I want to set an example on how I love Christ and hunger to know God more. Every single day.

It's not much. But that's my heart.

Simple Devotion. (More to come)

2009-01-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul
To lay hold of that which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again

And then I'll just lean into sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
And I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth
Over and over and over and over again
This is my simple devotion
My walk of faith, day by day,
Over and over and over and over again

And then I hear you say
As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
I hear You say as You stand in heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me
"O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that dark night of faith
She is gazing at Me!
O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that cloud of unknowing
She's gazing at Me!
And You have ravished My heart
My sister, My bride
With one glance of your eye!"
Over and over and over and over again...

- "Simple Devotion" by Misty Edwards

WONDERFULLY BEAUTIFUL.

Also, check out the completed list of books read in 2008. :D

Faithful.

2008-11-21T21:07:00.000-08:00

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what O long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
Knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

- "Faithful" by Brooke Fraser

The vision.

2008-10-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

I went to a park during lunch to seriously answer the questions asked of me last night.
Here is some of what I wrote.

a) Do I have vision for my life?
-> YES! Sometimes I think that I have too much... I am completely inadequate. But here's the crazy thing.... I sense the potential within me. I just feel like thats all its ever going to be. Potential. And that thought makes me sick. I need it to become reality. God help me.

Am I living for that vision?
-> No. I am living and yes, doing good things (big things, even)... but I am not living parelleled with the vision I have for myself. No... it is much greater.

b) Do I see the vision of Generation Ministries?
-> Yes. And I see myself as a part of that. But even I am expendable, and I need to raelize that.

Am I willing to live for that vision?
-> Yes. I want to. I just need the strength and guidance to make the decisions to have my life align with that.

Does my vision align with the vision of Generation?
-> Yes! My vision wholeheartedly lines up with the vision. Oh God, let it not get away from me.

c) What is it that I am not seeing?
-> I see my vision as a dream, not a future. It is not real to me.

May God have grace on my poor decisions and selfish pursuits.

With everything, with everything, I will shout for Your glory.
With everything, with everything, I will shout forth Your praise.

It's just one of those days.

2008-10-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

The ones that if you know me, you have most likely heard about. Where my heart just wants to throw up on everyone. :(
I know... it's quite pathetic.

Today, I am just pushing through.
Looking to God, begging for joy, for peace, for hope, for whatever He has to give me.
My emotions are draining my potential. It's a frustrating thing to watch.
I have to make decisions that will drive me in the direction I need to go.

I have to be who God created me to be.
And I can't allow other people to get in the middle of that.
I must find joy.

Down in my heart, hey!

2008-10-15T07:41:00.001-07:00

My belief is that God is trying to teach me a lesson. And I think I am refusing to learn it. Not because I don't want to but because the lesson is hard and it takes heartache.

Joy.

I believe that there is a joy that comes from God. This is a joy that is everlasting. Always there. Never gone. You can have complete joy in God. Joy and happiness are different. Happiness is momentary. I'm happy when I eat a burrito from Chipotle. But that burrito doesn't give me joy. Joy is everlasting. My happiness from my burrito only lasts until it is digested, and my body begins to beg for more food. How human. Not everlasting, but rather very ephemeral. That is happiness.
But what my soul longs for is joy.

I think too much of my emotion is dependent on my external circumstances. I carnally derive my joy from the relationships in my life, my success, the things that happen to me. But I really think God is trying to get me to a place where all my joy comes from Him. It is not fleeting. In that, my emotions are stabilized. I become stronger. I become more.
Joy that comes from the inside out, not the outside in.

I want the fullness of joy that God has for me.
I want to learn the lesson.
But I am scared of the test.

An ounce of passion.

2008-09-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

So I think I have centralized my thoughts enough to write about them, so here we are.

And it all begins with a John Piper quote I heard. Or a couple of John Piper quotes that I heard, actually.

"A great hindrance to our ministry is the gulf between our Biblical understanding and the corresponding passions of our hearts. The glorious and horrible truths which thunder through the Bible cause only a faint echo of fear and ecstasy in our hearts. We take a megaton of truth upon our lips and speak it with an ounce of passion."

Yes. I have been talking to people all weekend about this thought because it has begun to plague me. We really do have a megaton of truth in our hearts. It's like that C.S. Lewis quote: "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important". I am convicted about how locked up I keep the truth that I have in my heart. I will let it out, but only when people want it. I guess we have become so cautious about not "shoving our beliefs down the throats of others"... but by doing that, are we not draining power from the gospel? If the basis of Christianity is true, and Jesus truly died on a cross 2000 years ago so that His blood would cover our sin that we may be given the grace to spend eternity with Him and escape the flames of hell, then how can we view that as moderately important?! If that is true (which I wholly believe it is), then that is the most important thing that anyone could ever discover in their lives. And how do I sit with that truth locked up in my heart like an atomic bomb that brings freedom and change and new hope and restoration and new faith and new love and so much more, and I speak it with an ounce of passion. Like I have lost confidence in its power. It is selfish of me to not share what I know with the people I encounter. I am not saying that it always has to be done with words, but I believe that I should always be a light in the darkness. I don't want to extinguish my flame because others don't know how to deal with fire. I want to show them the beauty of the light and the warmth. And the consuming power.

This all started Friday night and where I was and who I was with. And I am not going to go into it, but I truly spent time with people that had not experienced Truth. And I just don't think that I spoke of it in the intense way that I truly believe in it. Is it lack of courage? Is it pride? I'm not sure.... But perhaps, I let some people remain in the dark where they are comfortable when I could have lit the flame and let it change their life as they know it. Of course, I cannot do anything. Silly human...

"When the heart no longer feels the truth of hell, the gospel passes from good news to just news. The intensity of joy is blunted and the heart-spring of love is dried up." - John Piper

I just got really excited.

2008-09-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

I don't even know why though.
I think I was just thinking about what all is coming up. My heart wants to leap out of my body. Sure, it is all just events... but I can still be excited. I am even more excited about what God is going to do in the next few months. I must be intentional. I am anxious. Something new is coming... perhaps. I don't know. I'm just excited.

See You AT & AFTER the Pole is on September 24th!
Invisible Children are coming October 15th and 16th!
Abandoned Retreat is November 7th - 9th!!!!!!
XXX Church is coming next year!
We are going on mission trips (hopefully, pending finances, of course)!
... I dont want to let too many cats out of the bag ...

And all of it is to bring glory to the God of the universe. I pray and pray that we stay grounded. Firm in our vision and mission and goal. We live a life to bring love. The love of Christ to those who haven't felt it.
Let me be more. Let me be better.

I work and live amongst the greatest family I could ever ask for. Both biologically and spiritually.

Oh God, in everything that I do, let my life bring praise and worship and glory to Your name.

My heart...

2008-08-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

...is to change the world. With love, by action. I am not normal. And I am not mediocre. I will go above and beyond. "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). I will be a woman who numbers her days. I will take what God has placed in my hands and use it to bring Him glory. He is worthy to be praised. He is worthy of my action. As He gave me EVERYTHING, I will do my best to give everything as well. As He gave His life, I will give mine. I will make every effort to align my life with the heart of God. Oh God, I want to live a life absent of fear and doubt, and full of love and life. To live in the abundance of life in whichever way you choose for me. I will be a mother for Your people. I will lead from the inside out. I will weigh every experience from the outside in.
For you, oh God, I live this life.
For you, oh God, I commit this life. This very breath.
I give it all to you. That I may KNOW you, and that you may KNOW me.
YOU ARE MY DESIRE.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE MY DESIRE.
I. LOVE.

(24 August 2008)

Also...

2008-08-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

"Dear reader, if you will not believe until you understand all mysteries, you will never be saved. If you allow your self-invented difficulties to keep you from accepting pardon through your Lord and Savior, you will perish in an eternal condemnation that will be richly deserved. Do not commit spiritual suicide through a passion for discussing philosophical subtleties."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Flailing. And failing.

2008-08-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

It it so hard to just rest in the hands of the Creator.

Maybe for some people it isn't, and maybe it shouldn't be. But for me it is. I am not good at submitting. Not because I don't want to because I really really do. But I just have this overwhelming sense that I should be doing something. And so I am like a fish flailing about in the hands of our God. And all He wants me to do is relax in His will. To be so calm because of the trust I have in where He has me.

And the longer I flail, the longer its going to take for Him to do a work in me. It's like trying to put a band-aid on a kid that won't stop moving.

Relax.
"It's all gravy".

Undone.

2008-07-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

"It is impossible to risk your life to make others glad in God if you are un unforgiving person. If you are wired to see other people's faults and failures and offenses, and treat them roughly, you will not take risks for their joy. This wiring - and it is universal in all human beings - must be dismantled." - Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper.

Counting to 100.

2008-07-18T06:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're using this artist Matt Wertz for a couple of our dance numbers in concert. And he has this one song called Counting to 100 that is my current favorite romantic sweet song that I want someone to sing to me. Haha.

Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Please show your face
Because I want you to be it, yeah,
I want you to be it.

:D
One day...

Psalm 42

2008-07-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

I want to write something.

2008-07-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

But its just not working out for me today.

Leave me some love I guess.

In addition,

2008-07-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

That same day that I wrote that last post, I got off the bus at the park and ride and started walking to my car. The song "Inside Out" by Eve 6 came on (don't hate). It made me feel all rebellious as if I should start ninja kicking the air. Heels and all.

I would have too if there weren't a bus load of people behind me.

"I'm not as ugly sad as you."
Ohhhhhhhhhh.

Roll track.

2008-07-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have felt a lot lately like I am in a movie.
I think it all started when I started taking headphones to work. Most of the times I only listen to music when walking to the bus/waiting for the bus/riding the bus. But those seem to be the most perfect moments.

I will step out of my building on Smith Street. My cold skin is quickly warmed by the afternoon sun. My embittered heart is warmed with the happiness of knowing I am going home. I take a deep breathe, smile, and begin the trek to the bus stop. Walking down the street, hair blowing in the wind, sun on my face, Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper begins to play. It's like I am in a movie. An 80's movie. And I couldn't be happier. The world quiets into slow-motion, and it's just me walking through the world. Walking through life. Going somewhere and nowhere all at the same time.

:D
Just like a movie.

It doesn't have the same effect when I'm scanning. Although I do feel a little bit Office Space-y with some background music to set the intense mood. It's usually just a little bit more Brand New than Cyndi Lauper. If you know what I mean.

P.S.: I really like the song Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper. Mainly, I hope that people think of the chorus when they think about me and their friendship with me.
"If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me, time after time.
If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time."

And remember...

2008-07-03T09:38:00.001-07:00

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.

To be all I need.

2008-07-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

Gosh.
I want to be so much better.
I do feel completely inadequate, but I know that I can do it all in the same emotion. I guess that creates passion?
Pastor Joey has been trying to teach me that I don't need people. I really like to think that I do. It makes me open up to the wrong people and trust the wrong people, and it also never pushes me to have complete confidence in myself and my God. I like to have a crutch around. Not that I can anymore, but it's comfortable. And every now and then when the world starts crashing down, I frantically search for the person that is going to catch me. Too bad it will never be another human. I'll still try though. But at some point, I will understand that all I NEED is God.

So what if you catch me, where would we land?

I crave relationships. I'm not always so good at building them, but the desire is there. I love talking to new people and searching them out. I think that in every new person we learn a new facet of God's glory. But in the end of the day, I don't need them. :( I don't even need my friends.
It's about God being the center of everything. That just like Job, everything can fall apart, and we will still praise His name. I'm not sure I would. And that's where the problem is.

Just like anyone else, I always want to make it about me. And right now, that part of me is making me sick. I am so tired of that. For one, it never ends well and always causes pain. Because its not about me. As much as I want it to be. I like to try take control of things instead of just allowing God to have control. I keep trying to write my own story. But the story God has for me is going to be ten thousand times better than my best imagination. If I let it be.

I want what's next.
And I want freedom. From myself.

I have a new joy and a new hope in me. A zeal and a passion I have never had before. I am doing everything I know to do to not let it get away from me.
I love the people around me. I don't want them to go anywhere. But I can't need them.

Bob Nix is a very inspirational pastor in my life.
1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."
But we can't love perfectly, right? I don't know.
But Mr. Nix told me that perfect love is one of the few things we can actually attain in this life. And to love someone perfectly, we have to not need them.
To love someone perfectly, we have to not need them.
Not need them emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. We have to not need them. Because then we love them for the simple beauty of who they are and nothing else.

And that is how I want to love.

Love is not a four-letter word.

2008-06-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

I really would write in this more often if I consistently had definitive thoughts. But I don't. So much of the time, my mind is caught in a whirlwind of information and knowledge, and its hard to focus. There is always so much to think about that I tend to not think about anything at all.

The past couple of days I have been on a Staff Retreat. It was an amazing and fun experience. Every bit of knowledge is applicable and beneficial. It provided a point of focus when we feel caught in the slump or the whirlwind or just life. And of course, I got to float the river for the first time which was A-mazing.

Lastly,
I am reading a book called Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus. I have wanted to buy it for a while because of its spiffy cover, but I always managed to talk myself out of it. Until now. It's good. Nothing that makes me want to run out and buy 1000s of copies to hand out to people, but it's good. (Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, however, check your mailboxes, you should all be receiving a copy soon... I wish.) But its an easy read and relateable.
I ordered 4 more books today, so I better kick up the pace.

I love you guys.
Jesus was beaten and spilled his blood on that hill for us.
Let's not let it be in vain.
If nothing else, we have to just try and figure it all out.

God is love.

A torturous email

2008-06-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

arrived in my inbox this morning.

I had previously inquired about the new puppy I want and much to my relief, the lady was not going to have a litter available until fall giving me ample time to get money together and convince my family of our sweet addition.

But this morning, I got an email from her saying they have a litter available Monday. With girls. And guess what, she included pictures.

So here is my baby to torture you too.

Her name would be Kenya.
And she would be the best thing ever.
And she would make all the sadness go away, and she would make me happy.
If she were mine, she would also be a 22nd birthday present to me.
I would love her, and I would hug her.

But alas, I can't afford my sweet angel.
I only have $200 that I could spend on her. And she has quite a price tag.
So I will have to wait for another.

I love her though.
And she will forever be mine.

*cries*

Jesus for President.

2008-06-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

I finished the book I've been reading last night.
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne.

He makes some good points.
But he can be a little too extreme for me.

Some things I took from the book:
- Die for what you believe in, don't kill for what you believe in.
- I want to sew my own clothes. I just gotta figure out how.
- I wish I could grow my own food too. Sounds fun.
- I don't know how I feel about war.
- I want to love more.
- I want to interact more with the homeless and broken, but I struggle with how being a girl.
- And some more stuff I am just not thinking of.

Overall, I think if you have the time, you should read it. He has the experience to back up his beliefs. It's just whether you buy into them or not. The book is really fun if you're artistic, but the way he writes (with long and important footnotes) can make it hard to keep a good reading rhythm.

I like his ideas.
Just not all of them.

IT IS FOR FREEDOM.

2008-06-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

This blog is becoming more like a log. On the web. A weblog. Okay... I guess it's exactly what it's supposed to be. A 'blog. Incase you didnt know where the word "blog" came from... Now you do. +10 modern vocabulary. Urban dictionary would be proud.

Anyway, it seems that I write about what I teach about.
Which I guess is good. And another way for me to keep track.

Not much to say except that it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. So why the heck do we chain ourselved back up?!?!
Stupid humans. We're like dogs that fight to get off the leash, but once we are released are too scared of the freedom so we grab back onto it.

We're comfortable. But we're not happy.

Freedom.
It's why He set us free.
I just don't think we live in the freedom that we are supposed to.
Anger, fear, jealousy, bitterness, complacency, laziness, pride, idolatry.
We just keep chaining outselves back up.

But we want to change the world.
So what the heck are we waiting for?!
Someone else to do it?!
What if they never do.

Sidenote: I'm really not this morbid all the time. I just usually write on here when things are less than great. Here's a smile to let you know I am really okay.

:D

Fear.

2008-05-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

So, I think I may have figured some things out. Maybe.
I've known a couple things.
I've known that there has been an overwhelming sense of fear that has pretty much dominated my life the past month or so. I have been sad most of the time, even though I regretfully admit that I have learned to play the "happy" game. Everyone knows its not genuine, they just also know it's not to be revealed when so much effort is put into intentionally covering it up.

I teach a lot. I have girls that love me, and I love them. And they listen to my words. And I try my best to seek out God's heart for them and bridge a gap almost. I ask him to tell me what He wishes they would hear, so that maybe they will listen to me as I wrap my physical arms around them. Most of the time, I teach them the same things I am trying to teach myself. I want change. I want change in myself. I want to become the things I teach. I want to train myself. I taught 2 Peter 1:5-11 last night among other things. I want that. For me.
But I do not want to change the things in my life.
I want to change me, but me only.
And my fear comes with the knowledge that that cannot be.
A product of changing yourself includes changing the things around you.
It's inevitable.
And I am too scared of that.

Ultimately, to change myself, it would require time and effort.
I don't have extra time and effort just lying around, so I would have to pull time and effort from other things and devote it to the training and equipping of myself. The things in my life that I would have to pull time and effort from are not secure. Meaning that time and effort is basically what keeps them there. So pulling one or both of those things would cut off their source of life and cause those things in my life to die. Change. And change that I don't want.
So change that I don't want is going to come along with the change that I do want.

Fear.
And so I get stuck.
Here.
With no security. No stability.
(Yes, Christian friends... I know that I should find security and stability in God, but this is where I choose to portray the reality of my feelings not the facts of the matter.)

Everything of security and stability is being ripped out from under me.
My home, my relationships, myself.
All going to change. Only one of which I want to.

And this is life.
So I smile and I keep going, hoping that I will have the courage to fall.

So, it's been a while...

2008-04-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

and it probably would have been longer if my sweet little roommate hadn't complained. :]

A lot has happened since March 10th. Mainly, I was licensed as a pastor. Yup. My "title" (blech) is Associate Youth Pastor focusing on Girls Discipleship and Administration. Yes, the "blech" because title or position makes it sound like a job to me. And I don't need another one of those.
The biggest reality check with all that is that who I need to be is so much bigger than who I am.
Just let that sink in.
There is a painting on my desk to remind me of just that. But really, I need to be more. I guess we all need to be more. But the hardest thing is that I need other people to make it happen.
And I haven't done so well in dealing with other people.

I keep trying to talk about the practicalities of life, but I really couldn't care less right now. I have like 8 papers due by next Thursday. And I should probably be working on them. But I really don't care too much about it all. I am having trouble squeezing out any kind of emotion, good or bad. And struggling to be present. If you know what that means. The world just seems to be spinning around me, and I am trying to catch focus. It's like being on a merry-go-round and trying to keep your eyes on one thing, so it all looks a little less blurry. Just trying to get everything to come into focus instead of just emotionally (and spiritually, I suppose) feeling dizzy and sick.

So that's that. Aren't you glad you asked?
I do hope you're having a good one.

love,
me.

Coffee is music to my nose.

2008-03-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

I drink coffee every morning just about. At least, I try to. I am hoping it'll stunt my growth, but I probably should've started over a decade ago. Oh well.

Anyway, sometimes it is sad because there is either no coffee left, or there is just enough for me and then I have to deal with the guilt and shame of taking the last bit of coffee and not making another pot. I would make another pot... But I have no idea how to work these industrial coffee machines we have. I fear it would not end well.

But today, there was a big hot steaming pot of fresh coffee waiting for me.
It was music to my nose.

The end.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

2008-03-06T08:24:00.001-08:00

Revelation 12:11
"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."

Sunday, Hallelujah!

2008-03-05T07:37:00.000-08:00

There's this really cheesy song on KSBJ about Sunday hence the title. I apologize if you like it, but I don't. I think it implies the God is only available for you on Sundays and on no other day of the week. And you just need to stick it out til SUNDAY. What does SUNDAY have to do with anything?! Anyway... so that's that.

In real news, I am preaching for the first time this Sunday, so keep me in your prayers. I teach all the time, but this is going to be completely different. For 1, there is no discussion. No middle school gab to fill the time. For 2, I have 45 minutes. Thats insane. I am not sure I have ever talked for 45 minutes straight in my life.

I have no idea what I am going to preach. I am just trying to study for my midterm on Saturday right now. My sermon will be podcasted though, so if for some absurd reason you want to listen to me make no sense whatsoever.... then check it out. And I hate my voice. So yay.

Quick update

2008-03-03T07:23:00.001-08:00

Well, the workshop went great.
God was all over it. And I knew that mainly because in the midst of everything going wrong, I never once felt stressed out. Which was a miracle as far as I was concerned because in situations like that I am usually a ball of frustration knocking people on their backs.
It really was great.

Last night, we got to meet with out pastor for the first time in like two weeks. It has been crazy without hearing from him since we were seeing him everyday. But it was good and timely, and God is working in our team too. I guess now its our turn to put forth effort.

I am still super busy unfortunately, and I will be until this weekend is over (due to a Saturday midterm). And then the next weekend is our big Community Justice Retreat. So maybe after THAT, I will get a small break.

Lovin' Jesus though. Every minute.

Rigor mortis.

2008-02-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

That is pretty much how I feel about the spirit of our ministry right now.

And it's pathetic. And it's frustrating.

It's like death has set in. We have zero participation, and it's making me so frustrated because you just want to force someone to want something that you want and you really can't. I mean its JUST church. It's JUST ministry. It's JUST voluntary is what that means.

How can you change the world if you can't even bring a 12-pack of soda to the church for a fundraiser?
It's not about the glory. It's never going to be.
It's about the heart.
It's about the passion.
And if you're looking for fame, then go somewhere else.

My passion hasn't gone anywhere though, so what happened to theirs??
How do you create passion in people? There is more to it then just having passion yourself. Because I am there. And there are very few people there with me.

I guess you get on your knees, and you don't get up until God moves.

In this bittersweet time, I must also share with you what is sweet.
The schedule, the material, the teachers, EVERYTHING has been lined up for the workshop on Saturday, and I am so so SOOO excited about what God is going to do through it. I got all my ducks in a row, and now I am stepping back and allowing God to move and make it His. This isn't about my agenda. EVER. It's about giving God the space He needs to do His will. I am just a vessel. Use me.

Frustration/Excitement.
Welcome to life.

Life lately.

2008-02-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Has been fine.

I have a midterm coming up in two weeks, so I decided I should probably get to work on that class which I havent touched since the beginning of this semester. That has, unfortunately, drained my reading time. But in two weeks, I'll be back on the bandwagon.

In other news, this Saturday I will be teaching a seminar on Sexual Purity with my friend Kort. As far as I know, as well as benefitting the young people at the church, it will be a test of my pastoral ability. So here goes nothing.
To give you a clue in on my Senior Pastor, he is one of those guys that comes up with impossible ideas and then hands it to someone else to make it happen. I was handed this workshop. So... he wants 300 people there. Our youth ministry is only running over 200 right now so that is advantageous. But I will do my best.

All in all, I have alot on my plate and am keeping extremely busy. But I do love you all, and I hope to get a breather soon. :]

Bishop T.D. Jakes

2008-02-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

I was just listening to Pastor Brian Houston interview Bishop T.D. Jakes and one thing at the end really stuck out to me. Jakes was talking about the way his church grew and how ridiculous that was. He was saying that so many people had started coming and getting excited about what he was saying that he was mobbed after services. He had never had to lead without being able to have personal relationships with people. And through that experience he said God spoke to him and said, "Now that you can no longer give all of them yourself, you'll have to give them Me".

For my first post in over a month...

2008-02-11T09:39:00.001-08:00

you'll have to thank johnny.

43%

new years eve 2007 - 2008

2007-12-31T17:16:00.000-08:00

this year... i am very unenthusiastic.
i guess, i know 2007 sucked.
and i know 2008 is going to have a difficult start.

so at midnight, i will be standing on either side of nothing great in my world.
but my God is good.
and I choose to trust Him.
but that is really me squeezing out some optimism right now.

you are wonderful, however.
and you are part of what makes this life bearable.

seriously.
you are loved.
and pushing everything aside... i need to realize that I am too.

Where is the passion??

2007-12-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

How does Invisible Children get millions of people involved in a cause and we can't even seem to mobilize any kind of movement when we have the Gospel of Jesus to go off of???

This is in no way trying to minimize the cause of IC. I am in total support. They are doing the work of God whether they say so or not. But we are saying so and yet still having trouble changing our world.

I can tell you one thing though... those 3 guys saw something that needed change and had enough passion to change it.

Where is our passion??
Dissatisfaction leads to desperation. Desperation leads to passion. Passion leads to change.
But only if you want it to.

Let our hearts break for what breaks Yours....

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

2007-12-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

Okay. So this is a question.
I need to figure out another place to meet with people. I have multiple meetings a day with people, and I always schedule them at Starbucks because it is a perfect setting. The atmosphere is relax and chill, and it is a completely neutral location. And there is one on every street corner.
Do you know of another place that is good for meeting with people?

Anyway, I'm up to here with flippin' coffee.
And my wallet is groaning too.

P.S.: "Be who you are, and let the weight of that rest on everyone else." - John Eldridge

I hope they understand.

2007-12-11T10:01:00.001-08:00

I have let alot of people down. And I know it.

This is the thing... I am sure that I am doing what God wants me to be doing. And I am working on becoming the woman of God that He wants me to be. But I have had to lay down some relationships, so I can wholely focus on the season I am in. I am in a time of intense training. Intense study. Intense leadership. Intense opportunity. And I am getting through it pretty well. My success does not go unnoticed by my "family". But I worry that my friends don't see it.

I worry about maintaining friendships.
But I have come to the conclusion that those who love me really will see the growth in me. And I am doing what I don't want to do today, so I can do what I do want to do tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes, I pray that I am able to turn around and still find these people getting my back.

I love them more than they know.
I wish I had more time to spend with them.
But I have to step into what God has called me to do.
And I have to do it without doubt or regret.
And I need to do it with support.
And I need it to be okay.

Jessica, Amy, and Marideth in particular.... I love you guys so much.
I am sorry.

The three things

2007-12-04T10:30:00.000-08:00

There are three main things that will get you from Abram to Abraham.
A child of God full of potential to His purpose worked out through your life.

1. Obedience
2. Faithfulness
3. Sacrificial in lifestyle

Our Pastor taught on this today, so I thought I would share. And it's also like a virtual notebook for me. Abram was nothing great, but when God spoke to him, these 3 things were shown in the way he walked out what God said. He took some huge steps blindly just to follow the voice of the Lord. And not only was he blessed because of it, nations were... generations were... families were.

Lay some Isaac's on the altar.
You haven't given enough.

I am spoiled.

2007-11-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, people tell me this all the time. And I never disagree. I will tell you that I am NOT, however, a "spoiled brat". I can't even tell you how much I appreciate the things that are given to me.
I say this to tell you all that I got my Christmas presents on Saturday. The big, expensive ones. I am also not allowed to touch them until Christmas day. But I know they're there... and I am ecstatic.

:]]

My new macbook. Currently unnamed. Waiting to review personality.
Upgrades: 2GB RAM, 160GB hard drive.
Lovin' it.

This was a suprise. I couldn't decide if I wanted one, and then I held it. The rest is history.
I can't wait to bury my Razor.

I told the guy at the store that now I pretty much have everything that Apple has to offer. He told me to wait for the t-shirt and sneakers.

How exciting would that be.

I have vision, hear me roar.

2007-11-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Okay... so I hate that I leave big gaps in blogging because I feel overwhelmed when I do sit down to write on here.
Regardless, I must try.

Without vision for your future, you will go back to your past.
Ahhh.... Pastor Brian Houston of Hillsong Church in Sydney, Australia.
Give credit where credit is due, right?

Anyway... how true is this?? Gosh. I don't really need to debate about if that is true or false or adequate or inadequate. I believe that statement. And I must say that I am unsettled by the vision I have right now. It is big. Bigger than myself. But I believe in it. And it scares me. I had a student tell me this week that she is past the point of turning back. She knows too much about God and has experienced the realness of His love too much to ever go back. But she must catch vision not only for her now but for her future.
I also had someone tell me yesterday that they wish that they could disappear for a week. This is not how I feel. I feel like if I miss a day, I will be so far behind where God needs me to be.
I am going to change the world.
That might sound big.
But my mom always said: Where there's a will, there's a way.
And if I am going to change the world, there is alot I need to get done. Yesterday. I am far behind.

I believe in myself. I hope that you believe in me.
I believe in you.

take that johnny!

2007-11-06T15:50:00.001-08:00

Cash Advance Loans

:]

das right.

I've got about 8 rants running through my head.

2007-10-29T09:04:00.001-07:00

But instead, I'll just make some points.

Our God is a sovereign God.
God isn't okay with everything, so STOP bending the rules. [I know that there is a previous rant about this]
You don't make God who you want Him to be, you let him make YOU who He wants YOU to be.
If you are leading disciples, you lose your rights. Grow up and don't cry about it.
Discipleship is NOT a competition.
Exposing another's weaknesses does NOT make you have more strengths.
You have to BUILD relationships. Not steal them.
Maybe, just maybe, you don't know EVERYTHING.
There is a time and place for encouragement. There is a time and place for rebuke. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME TIME AND PLACE.
You don't always choose your circumstances, but you do always choose how to deal with them.
You are always in control of yourself.
An audience that agrees with you does not always mean that you're right.

I could go on...
But I'll just take the next 10 seconds to breathe deeply and move on.

From what I hear...

2007-10-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Santa might bring me....

THIS.

A beautiful 13" MacBook.

Unfortunately... I have a long list for Santa this year. Well, not long.... expensive.

I also want:

THIS.

A fancy-fied digital camera.

Other than that... Hair extensions.

Just wanted to fill you in. Of course, there are little things. Bare minerals, movies, books, clothing, MONEY, etc.

I feel greedy now, so I'm going to go.

I just wanted to share with you.

Thanks. Bye.

Busy vs. busybody

2007-10-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

"For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.' We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat." (2 Thessalonians 3:10-12)

Hmmm... I was reading this this morning, and it really caught my eye. I think alot of times we believe that we can do what we feel like doing and then depend on the ministry of others to support us. I think Paul is just urging us to earn the rewards we get. Make sure you are actually busy and not just a busybody. Meaning.... you are busy doing things that matter and not just busy doing things for yourself. You are doing the work you need to do to earn the bread that you need or working to be able to help others in need. Filling needs. Yours, mine, and ours.

It's got to do with the purpose.

Confused?? Oh well. I don't know how else to say it.

There is no room for slack

2007-10-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

and that is a blessing.

My life and where God has me doesn't allow for complacency. It doesn't allow for self. And that IS a blessing.

Today:
Woke up at 5:40am.
Checked my phone.
Read a text asking me if I wanted to go pray at a high school.
The devil on the left and the angel on the right fought for a little bit before coming to the conclusion that I should go.
I rolled out of bed and dressed.
Laid back down to sleep the half an hour I had left.
Felt convicted and got back up.
Made coffee and studied.
6:30am - 8:00am: Went to Hargrave High School to pray with some students.
8:00am - 8:30am: Short nap
8:30am: Got up, dressed for work, left for church.
9:00am - 10:30am: Someone put a password on my computer at the church and didn't think to tell me. Smart. So instead, I organized and made a video.
10:30am - 11:30am: TEA, HE, AND ME... a highlight of my week. Every week. Pastor Brenda kicks the devil in his two front teeth. We all laugh at his weakness. We walk out stronger women of God.
11:30am - 12:00pm: Commute to work.
12:00pm - 12:30pm: Conversation with Fletch. :]
12:30pm - now: Work. And when I mean work, I mean: make coffee, phonecall from Aaron, checked email, checked facebook, looked for student bibles, read news, checked email, checked facebook, look at pictures, took a Disney quiz, scanned a file, checked email, checked facebook, read blogs, decided to write in a blog, checked email, checked facebook, and here I am.

After work:
Home to change clothes.
Dinner with my girls.
Jazzy Fizzle's softball game.
I want to paint tonight.
I want to be at home tonight.
I want to read tonight.
I want to highlight my hair.
Etc.

Good 'til the last drop

2007-09-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

Tired? I am.
But it's only half-time.

I am exhausted. I feel empty. I feel almost empty. ALMOST. There is a last drop. There is a last drop just like every drop that has come before it flowing out of me. I am empty. ALMOST. But there is one drop left. I have not given it my everything. I have given it ALMOST everything. And the difference between those might sound small, but it is really enormous. In a dry and thirsty environment, one drop will create change.
So it's at half-time. Breathe, and get back out there. Give it the last drop. And then you know you have done enough. When you know that there is nothing left to give, nothing left to pour out, that is when you know it is enough. Until then, it is ALMOST enough.

I hope that I ALMOST make sense.
ALMOST kinda sounds weird when you say it 5 times in a short paragraph...

God came before us.

2007-08-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Duh, right?

God comes before us.

Still obvious....

Then where do we get the idea that we can make God fit our lifestyle?? Or make God fit into our beliefs?? Knowing we are born into this world. Born into sin. Wouldn't it make sense that our God is looking for change??
I have met people in my past, that at the time of our conversation, they convinced me that their way was better. But now.... I am learning the flaw in it all. We don't pick and choose the activities we wish to take a part in (drinking, etc.), and then decide that God is okay with that. Justifying our crappy lifestyles. We don't tell God what He is okay with and what He is not. My pastor has always taught me the principles of the pyramids. The pyramid of rights and the pyramid of responsibilities. Pyramid of rights has the point at the top like an Egyptian pyramid. The pyramid of responsibility is upside down, like an ice cream cone. The further you go up on the ladder of leadership.... the fewer your rights get, and the more your responsibilities grow. Not only within the church, but also within secular institutions. But look at it from the church perspective.... for example, it may be legal for me to drink. But that doesn't mean that I should. Me drinking would cause those who I disciple to question my leadership, my character, integrity, etc.... because they are still young. So it doesn't matter whether it is legal or not, I have the responsibility to not do it. My rights get smaller while my responsibilities grow. It's NOT about me. It's about the generation that is looking up to me. My kids that need to see me not do things. Empowering the disciples of Christ.

That really wasnt where I was going to with all that....
I wanted to more illustrate the fact that people try to fit God into their lifestyle. But my pursuit to be real and relevant should not come at the cost of communicating truth. Yes, I want people to be able to relate to me.... but if I look just like the world.... something is wrong. If my lifestyle doesn't stand out from the world around me, something is wrong. Because God DOES want change. No matter how much our flesh hates the thought. No matter how much MY flesh hates the thought. God wants to change us. And he wants it to be radical. And we don't get to decide what that means or what that is applied to. HE does.

He wants change.
Period.

Small words. Big meaning.

2007-08-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

This is a text message I received last night. It was super encouraging, and so I thought I would share it with you.

"I know you don't always feel like that leader you know you're supposed to be. But once upon a time you didn'tknow how to dance either. Now the holy ghost falls when your bare feet hit the floor." - Anonymous

This made some stuff click for me. Dancing isn't about the technique, it's about the worship. The text doesn't say that I once didnt know how to dance, but now I can execute every movement with excellence. Once I didn't know how to dance.... And now they say my dancing ushers in the presence of God. That is a recognized form of worship and praise.... and God inhabits the praises of his people. At one time I didnt know the importance and purpose of my dance. Now I understand.
Right now, I still stumble through leadership. I try to get things right, and I make them worse. But leadership is also a praise to our God. And one day, it will click.

r e s t o r a t i o n

2007-08-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

(n.) the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment.

Mmmm.... this is what life has for me right now. And I couldn't be happier.
The struggle with bitterness and anger... is GONE. Maybe not forever. But for right now. And for right now, that is okay with me. I can't rationally expect a life of peace, but I can rest in a season of peace. Don't disturb it.

My friendships have been restored. All of them. ALL of them.
I wish I could explain to you how crazy that is. I never thought I would get to that place. And yet, here I am.

I have news. It's exciting....
I have been asked to study and serve for two years. The two years will end in my ordination as a pastor. A formal recognition of God's call on my life by the living church. It's going to be the hardest two years of my life thus far. But it is going to be the most rewarding.

I just celebrated my 21st birthday. "Celebrated" probably isn't the right terminology. That takes people's thoughts to a different place than where I was on my day. I went on a retreat over my birthday weekend. At midnight, I was crying before the Lord, holding a leader that has placed herself under my guidance. I glanced at my watch, saw midnight, and she looked up and wished me a happy birthday. This is the same way that I brought in the New Year this year. Perhaps my life is going to be bigger than the usual "celebrations". God is trying to show me something in these moments. My birthday led me to some self examination. Examination of my life. And where I am. I was thinking on this, and my Pastor came in and we began to talk. I told him that I was not where I thought I would be on my 21st birthday. He, of course, asked me where I thought I would be. And my answer.... "a regular kid... going to college and that's about it". His reply: "Well, you started hanging around the wrong pastor."
Joey has pushed not only me, but all of us, beyond mediocrity. Sometimes it is a hard thought because it has radically changed my life. But most of the time, it is a blessing I feel that most people are missing. And you don't know what you're missing.

"Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer" (2 Timothy 2:3-4).

That verse, a couple weeks ago, changed my life. And I probably can't explain to you how. But I relieved myself of civilian affairs. And THAT has led to peace.

=)

And here's a thought....

2007-06-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

"It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown."

- Tegan and Sara

My fingerprints

2007-06-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

I do alot. And I know I say that often, but I really do. I am the walking definition of busy and overcommitted. Just look at my blogging pattern. But I love it.

Last night, I saw a glimpse of the result. I saw the things come out of students that I put in them. That is a blessing. When you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, toothpaste will come out. I want to make sure I know what is coming out of my kids when they are squeezed.

I was talking to a visitor last night who is looking for a new church about our service and what we have offer that she probably isn't going to find elsewhere in the area. And I credited this to our pastor.

At GC, we make disciples. We are trained to make disciples. We are told to make desiciples. We are enforced to make disciples. And we are avid about making disciples. This is our focus. Getting back to "the old school church". This is what Pastor Joey has asked. And this is what we do. And reality hit me last night... this is what they need. They want to be discipled. They want leaders. They want people that support this generation (Kort Marley).
There are people that want me to do what I am trying so hard to do.
God is not the only one.

And that is a joyful realization, don't you think?

My students... I love them.
My deacons... I love them.
My fellow leaders... I love them.
My pastors... I love them.

I am going to think about these people for the rest of my life. And what better people to think about. I am changing the face of the planet. I am changing a generation. And I am not doing it alone. If you don't believe me.... wait a couple years, and you will see what I mean.

Brokenness hits...

2007-05-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

... and oh, by the way, Cinderella basically ruined my life.

Mission highlights

2007-04-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Heyyyy. There is no way for me to recap the entire trip, so I thought I would give you some quick highlights.

- I baptized a girl. (Second Best Experience of my Life)
- Saw Matt slap a cow.
- Spoke more Spanish than I thought that I knew.
- Mas Pancakies!!!
- Shared a bathroom with 8 other people.
- Climbed a mountain.
- Rode in the back of a small pickup with 11 other big people.
- Decorated a school bus.
- Got stuck in Central America.
- Got to go to El Salvador too.
- Learnt that this is going to keep happening until I understand faith and trust.
- Saw miracles.
- Army crawled under barbed wire.
- Saw Ashley fall on a cactus.
- Didn't get motion sickness.

It was a great trip. There is no way I can convey how awesome it is to you. So I'll just quit. But God is good.... And ministry occurs in love.

Dios te bendiga.

2007-04-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I and eight other people leave for Guatemala City, Guatemala.
We need prayer for the entire six days after we arrive. If you think about it, just pray for our safety and protection. I am most afraid of the trip from Guatemala City to Canilla, the village we will be staying in during our visit. The trip is a rather unsecure mountain path in a van with no guardrails. To further my fear, the missionary we are going to visit lost his wife 5 years ago when her vehicle fell off the mountain.
I have been reassured that this will not happen to me. So I hope not.

Other than that, the trip should be amazing. I will come back full. I have been told of the remarkable faith of the villagers in Canilla, and I can't wait to be touched by their love for God. They all know that we are coming and cannot wait themselves!!

Guatemala.... here we come!!

What goes up must come down.

2007-04-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Everything in life is a cycle. And if you've been a Christ-follower for long enough, you know that this too has a cycle.
God builds up and he breaks down. He builds and breaks. Builds and breaks. It is a cycle. You never know how long the building is going to take, or how long the breaking is going to take... All you know is what is coming next. There is a purpose for each of those seasons, and it is important for us to learn from what God is doing during each.

The scary part is when you know you are in a season of building. Breaking is next. Noone likes that part. But it is imperative.

Right now I am in a building season... God has set me up with some awesome new friends whose relationships with me are founded on Him. My job is definitely a blessing. My role in the church is a complete blessing. Blessing after blessing. Building stronger and stronger. More blessings, more strength.
But soon comes brokenness.

I know this. But the thing is, we have to learn to focus on the present. Otherwise we might miss the lesson.

And missing God's lesson sounds worse to me than being broken by God's lesson.

It is one of those days...

2007-03-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

... when you wake up, and you're angry at someone. And you know that eventually there is going to have to be a conversation with that person. And you rehearse all the things you're going to say over and over in your head. And it makes you even more angry at them.

Gah. I hate these days.

Having the faith to let go of the branch.

2007-03-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

It is not the first time that I have heard the ideal Christian life compared to a leaf blown by the wind (or breath of God).
But where is the lesson on having the faith to let go of the branch?

Christians.... we don't do so good with uncertainty. Or maybe just me. I wish I could see just a flash of the end result to give me the faith to make the leap. To let go of the branch.

It's about faith. Which happens to be my weakness. So my lesson is for myself.

God makes alot of promises when it comes to faith. He does that because he knows as humans we don't do jacksquat without a promise at the end of the rainbow. It's because we're lame. And he loves our lamefaces.

Hebrews 11 is key.

He starts with a definition: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (verse 1).
Then why we need it: "By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible" (verse 3).
And then on to key examples of faith. (Thank you God for that part. It makes me all excited.)

Then commendation for their excellent faith::
"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them" (verses 13-16).

Faith. It is so important. God... send increase.

Choosing to have faith and belief is a continuous process. It is not something you decide at the beginning of the ordeal, and it just carries through to completion. Nope. You have to decide every step of the way to trust the will and way of God. Let go of the branch and let him sweep you to the resting place... Where peace and joy wait for you. [read verses 24 through 28 for an example of having faith for each moment in an ongoing situation].

Where does faith get you?? (the promise we need)
the good: "... Faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again" (33-35)
and the bad: "Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground" (35-38). Ugh.... So where is the promise in that??
Oh yes. Eternal.
"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect" (39-40).

You have to find the faith to let go of the branch. If you dont, you will still feel the breeze. You will feel the motion. But in the end, you will have gone nowhere. And you will miss you out on the promise that lies on the ground.

Don't just feel the breath. Live IN the breath.

What more is there??

Kellogg's CornFLAKES

2007-03-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

You should have your own brand, flakey people. Then you can sell your fake flake in the store.
Flakey people are lame.

You should work on flaking off your flakeyness, ok?

*sigh*.

Follow peace.

2007-03-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

I have been searching for advice lately.

And probably only heard two words that I can work with.

Follow peace.

That is, of course, if I know which way to find peace. Haha. Oh life, you make me tired sometimes. And yet, I still find you beautiful. It is hard though to follow my own peace when I know this is not peace for someone else. Myself > Others. That doesnt sounds fun... But necessary at times?? Agreed.

I can't pretend to feel something I don't feel. Or be something that I am not. Or want something that I don't want. Not because it makes me fake. Although, yes, that would be tragic. But because: "All mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be" (The Screwtape Letters, C. S. Lewis). That is scary. One of those things that you read that makes your stomach wrench.

Humanity is tragic. But finding peace... well, maybe it will prove to be easier than it sounds.

I hope life is giving you everything you dreamed of.

2007-03-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

Someone told me that last night....
And it made me think.

Life is nothing like what I dreamed it would be. Even a year ago, I was dreaming of something else. Something else completely.... Plans have changed.
Life is not what I dreamt of, but I am ok with that.

My flesh dreams about life. And of course, it is good... but it is my idea of good. My plans. God has other plans, and He makes that clear... but He also makes it clear that His plans are also good (Jeremiah 29:11). So I am living out that promise. And there is nothing better for me than the plans that God has for me... And so what do I have to be disappointed in?? Yes, there are times that I miss what I had planned. I wonder where my life would be had my plans become reality. But there is a reality that I am now in that I would not want to miss by keeping my thoughts occupied on what is not there.

So no, life isn't giving me what I dreamed of. God is giving me more.

and a quote for you...

2007-02-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

Chew on that.

Free indeed??

2007-02-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

There is always a decision that needs to be made.

This has made me tired.

When does it happen that life can just be lived?? I want that. I want to just live life, love life. Go through a day where I am not thinking of some important decision that I have to make. I want to breathe. And I want it to be deep and long. To take in life, and to let life out. I need that.

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." - John 8:36

How do I go about claiming that freedom?? Especially when I view this as a promise. So its true and available. I guess it's a process. A process that I have to work out. Especially when it is me not wanting the responsibility of decisions. Patience, right, Sarah?

But freedom is freedom.
And it means free indeed.

So I have come to the conclusion that freedom with decisions for me is not the absence of decisions, but the ability to make them.

divine romance

2007-02-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

Life is a funny thing.

As a Christ-follower, I am walking through life with the knowledge that everything that happens is working towards a greater purpose that I cannot see.

Today, I slept throught a test. A test for government. One out of the three tests I get to take this semester. I have never done this before. I know that this stuff happens to students, but its just never me. I am trying to not be too upset about it. Whats done is done. But it has made my day super crumby. Well, last night after our youth valentine service one of my students handed me a belated half-birthday card. I thanked her, but I had to put it away in my purse while I talked to some other girls. This morning I remembered that she had given it to me, but again forgot to open it. After sleeping through my test this afternoon, I came into work and as I sat down at my desk, I remembered the card. I opened it to find an amazing note along with a Starbucks gift card. It is in these moments that I feel like I can sense the timing of God. The gift meant so much more because of the moment at which I received it.
It was EXACTLY what I needed.

What an amazing thing. God knew [and cared enough] about my future that he planned ahead of time to make me feel better. To let me know that He is with me even when I make stupid mistakes. Through my tears, He wanted to see my smile.

I am being romanced by the King.

Dance with me.

The heroes of old, men of renown.

2007-02-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

Nephilim.

Are they like the weirdest thing in the Bible to anyone else??

I dont know. They are just super neat to read about... Finding things like that totally throw me off. It makes me realize what other crazy awesome things are hidden in the Bible.
Maybe its just my interest in angels, but come on. Giant angel/human hybrids??
And then... what happened to the offspring?? Did the lineage end or what??

And could the same thing happen today?? And if not, why not??

........

Who's your daddy??
.... an angel.

Weird.

Brickfish

2007-02-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

hey guys...

Ok so I am applying for a bunch of scholarships because I need money and one was writing a blog on this other website. I need yall to go there and give me a super high score, ok.
The website is: www.brickfish.com/somethingthoughtful.
Go there and on the right side it will have Campaign Concepts and the blog is under that titled Your future is today.

Ok, I appreciate it.

<3.
Lauren.

marah

2007-02-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

launches today.

during service tonight, i have to get on the mic [i am not good at this] and talk about my new dance team. as well as show my video. its ok, i made a new one. the embarassing one will be used for marketing over myspace. but nonetheless, this is what tonight holds for me.

i am expecting alot of interest.

be praying for it. i appreciate it.

***also, keep my mother in your prayers. she is having an operation at this exact moment. thanks.

the updates

2007-02-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

Today seemed like a good day to give you some updates.

I am becoming more and more busy.
I am currently:

an intern in the Corporate Finance department at Continental Airlines.
a part-time student at the University of Houston - Main Campus.
a member of the leadership team for Generation Church.
a leader in a varsity small group at GC.
a member of Standing Room Only [drama team for GC].
launching Marah Dance Ministry tomorrow.
a member of the Human Video team for GC.
a member of Benaiah Dance Company.
involved in the Easter Drama for New Covenant Church.
busy.

but dont get me wrong.... I love it.

I am going to elaborate on some of those key activites.
- Our small group met last night and we had 9 students and 4 leaders attend. That is absolutely amazing, and we are totally excited about it. We definitely feel like we have achieved something. Each one of those girls is amazing.
- My dance ministry launches tomorrow, and I am slightly nervous. I need someone to design a logo and a flyer for me. For sure, a flyer. So if youre interested, let me know. I am expecting alot of interest from girls at the church. I have a song and choreographer set for the first dance. Wish me luck.

My soul must rejoice.

be real.

2007-02-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

are you REAL??

Because me and the rest of my friends and people I have never met are tired of fake people. And are tired of being fake ourselves. Every stinkin person thinks that being fake is better than being real. How are we benefitting ourselves or anyone else by that lame social practice??

I have got to get real.
And so do you.

I am a smart girl with intense jealousy and trust issues. I dont think that I have everything figured out about God yet, and I make up for that by immersing myself in academic knowledge because it can be known. I have problems with faith and the lack of it. I love people more than you can imagine. Most of the time I feel like my heart is going to bust out of my flesh. And not in a pleasant way - in a destructive, bloody, gruesome way. I love to relate. I love to comfort. I love to love. I love that I am wired this way.
I tend to seek approval from people that are most likely seeking approval from me. I try to get the approval of older adults and students because I dont feel like I have the approval of my own peers. I also think I have most likely fabricated that idea myself. But I still believe it.
I think I am funny. But when I am the only one that laughs at my jokes, I have to wonder if that is even true. Or I wonder if they are just beyond everyone else. I am sorry but Jell-O in Spanish would be pronounced hello. And thats freakin funny. So why wont anyone laugh at it with me?? Laugh dangit.
I dont trust guys. And I dont trust their minds. And that has come from a series of experiences.

Real.
Real until you want to bury your head in the ground.
That is what I want from you.
And that is what I want from me.

i need a new dialogue.

2007-02-05T08:12:00.000-08:00

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern

82%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

79%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

64%

Classical Liberal

61%

Reformed Evangelical

61%

Neo orthodox

54%

Fundamentalist

43%

Roman Catholic

36%

Modern Liberal

36%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

God has a praise for me.

2007-01-29T08:53:00.000-08:00

The world is coming together. Maybe not THE world, but MY world.
It's that season in life when everything jumbled in confusion and mess begins to settle. And you see the place and position of all you do.
It is in these moments where God gives us a moment to breathe. Not for the sake of breathing. But for taking in his Spirit, his breath. The life-giving power that restores. The time we have to recognize our blessings. The time we have to plan our next movement.

This is the year of the favor of our Lord.

So where is life going??
What matters??

No. What REALLY matters??
I dont want to hear the world's idea of this answer. The world will die. Give me an eternal answer.
One that lives. And lives on.

WHAT matters is already the wrong question. It's laced with error. WHO matters is the real question. WHAT matters refers to material, physical, tangible. NONE of that matters. It is WHOS that matter. SOULS. LIVES. US. THEM. EVERYONE.
I matter. My dad, he matters. My mom, she matters. My brother matters. Marideth matters. Sarah matters. Visa matters. Cyndle matters. Ashley matters. You matter.

MATTER: a subject of concern, feeling, or action.

A subject of concern, feeling or action. Dwell on that for a second.

I just claimed that material things DONT matter. And people DO. Let's see what love means. If we LOVE things that matter, what does that mean?? That people [ourselves and others] become subjects. Focuses. We learn to focus on the souls of others and our own souls... not our bank account, not our car that doesnt have the stereo we need [or want, excuse me], not our house that seems to be falling apart, not our medical history, not our degree, not our job security. To make things truly our focus, we have to eliminate the distractions. There are alot. But if we want people to become our focus, we have to let go of concerns such as those. And if we manage to make souls our focus, what does that mean. Concern, feeling, ACTION.

ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.
ACTIONS MATTER. Ask those who are waiting on one person to take ACTION. To let them know that they MATTER. Ask them.

The world is bleak. But the souls are not.

This is they day of the vengeance of our God.

The fire has not gone out.
You decide what matters.
What matters is REVOLUTION.
and what matters is LOVE.
and what matters is YOU.

You matter.
You matter to me.
And you matter to GOD.
And that is all that MATTERS.

revolution

2007-01-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

"What is a revolution? How does revolution relate to us now... Today? The need for revolution has never been greater than it is today... In a world of many cultures, worldviews, doctrines, morals, ethics, etc... We need revolution.

You see the world is a place made up of places.. and every place has a history.. and every place's history is reflected in what becomes it's culture.. and culture itself is defined through its people.. and the people; well, they are the future… and the future is now..

so then - looking at it in the same light but from the other side of the room; at this moment in history, we are the people in the places.. and we are the ones defining cultures.. and we are the ones creating history.. and so the question must be asked…. If we are the future; how's it gonna look..??

I don't know about you.. but if our generation is remembered for ipods, myspace, and youtube we missed it.. if history speaks of our generation as self indulgent pioneers of the digital age, reality television and purpose built celebrity we'll have failed.. the world will change by itself.. for better or for worse.. it changes daily.. but who will be the ones to shape it.. and how will it look?

in and of itself revolution is neither good or bad.. revolution represents change.. a shift in culture.. History is marked by revolutions.. social and political.. some have represented victory, freedom and justice, however on the flip-side.. too many have become infamous representations of despair, oppression and injustice.. all it takes for evil to prosper is for good men to do nothing.. for the church – the hands and feet of Jesus and His plan for the salvation of this big, broken sphere of dirt, water and life we temporarily call home, this has never sounded with more urgency.. it's time for a revolution.. fueled by a dissatisfaction with self-centered living and complacent faith.. driven by a desire for truth, love and justice..

that's what this is all about…
every generation needs a revolution.. and this one needs to look, sound, walk and breathe like love..

it's not a new concept.. it's an eternal concept.. it's the reason we are alive.. it's the fundemental call of what it means to be a follower of Christ..

Love God.. love people.. that's it.. that's the revolution.. revolutionary I know.. but if we understand what that means.. if we get it.. if we establish in our thinking how that looks.. and we start living it.. we will change the world.. it's not so much about the big stuff.. it's just about the stuff.. it's about the people in the places being the answer - in the places.. and together; becoming the answer to the big stuff.. it's about your backyard.. it's about my backyard..

The world has watered love down to slogans and t-shirts.. lollipop pop songs and popcorn munching excursions in visual indulgence... all of which are fine.. but we throw the word around.. we confuse it's definition.. we diminish our understanding of God's command.. love is the quintessential human emotion.. it is the desire of every human being to experience, and in turn express love.. and God himself IS love.. and he desires to be loved.. and who are the carriers of His spirit..?? it's us…

So that's the call.. that's the mission.. that's what this is all about..

A generation expressing their worship; moreso expressing their heart for worship in the action of love.. toward God.. and toward the world we live in.. and the people who inhabit it.. it's not about highlighting the darkness.. it's about becoming the light that diminishes the darkness.. it's the gospel.. and it is now..
we're all in this together..."

- JOSEPH TURNER

Psalm 90:14

2007-01-25T07:24:00.000-08:00

Well, the sun decided to grace us with its presence today.

Who else is ecstatic about that?

I know I am.

and the bad gets worse.

2007-01-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

So get this.

I run by my parents house last night to try find a DVD that I am missing, and I tear the house apart looking for it. No luck. So I was already frustrated by that as well as telling my parents about my already crappy week and showing them the huge scrape on my knee and whining about it. So my mom says that she will make me some coffee to go since I am heading to a friends house. She's the best.

Well I get in my car, and it looks like my cupholders are full, so I place the cofee between my legs while I pull out of the driveway. You can see where this is going, right[insert question mark because that key is one that was fatally wounded during yesterdays hot sticky chocolate escapade]. So i started pulling out of my driveway and the bump at the bottom sent my car wiggling and burning hot coffee spilled into my lap. It was so painful, I cannot even describe to you. So hovering above my seat, I try to backup and pull back into my driveway.

I dont even want to know what today will bring.
But tonight is church, so I am expecting the best.

hot sticky chocolate

2007-01-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

I think we need to change the name of hot chocolate to hot sticky chocolate. If it can have one preceeding adjective, why not two??

My story begins yesterday.

setting the scene: It is the beginning of the second week of school. I am wearing work attire which includes fancy slacks, a sweater, and flip flops [a change from heels for the long walk from parking to class]. It is a cold day, overcast skies, but the Student Center is bustling with students.

the fall: In my effort to multitask, I begin texting students for last night's small group. I walk down the path to the crosswalk crossing the main entrance to UH. I begin crossing the road and low and behold, the road is uneven. I began to tumble, but that slow motion tumble where you keep trying to free your foot from whatever it is caught on, but you arent able to and fall. There was no redeeming qualities about my fall. It was not graceful. I did not say the right thing to those who helped me. I was embarrassed and shocked. My slacks were torn, my knee was bleeding, as was my foot and my hip. My palms were scraped raw. It was not my best moment.

Today.

setting the scene: It is another cold day. I get to work slightly late, but not too bad. It is a cold morning, and my hunkering for a warm liquid as greater than usual.

the fall: I come set everything up at my desk, and then go make hot chocolate. I do this because it takes about a half hour for my hot chocolate to cool usually, so it goes through the process while I check email and the like. I place the hot chocolate in front of my keyboard as to once again multitask, and blow it cool while I type. It is an art I have perfected. In my excitement of checking facebook, I swing my arm forward to type and send my hot sticky choclate flying across my keyboard and my computer. It was a bad scene. I spent the next two hours cleaning my keyboard out, one key at a time. At the end, I realized three keys had been fatally wounded. My backspace, the one below it, and my Enter. They have since began to work to my delight.

The point of the story being: when you are cleaning hot chocolate from every key of your keyboard... you begin to realize that 'hot' isnt an inclusive adjective for its qualities. The name should then be changed to hot sticky chocolate.

You with me?

i will carry it for you

2007-01-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
- Matthew 11:28-30

Last night, my heart grew weary.

What makes us scared to let go of a huge burden? What makes us become so familiar with it, that we dont want to let it go? How do you try free someone from the hurt and pain, when they are not even sure they want to let go of it?

I am a youth leader. I love doing the duties that come with that. When the duties of a job align with your passions, you cant find much better. But with the joy of being a spiritual mother, there also comes pain. When students hurt, I hurt with them. I want joy to return to the youth of this generation, but they have become so familiar with hurt and pain, that it is more comfortable for them to hurt than to be filled with joy. I pray that God tears the burdens away from them, loosens their grip, and immediately fills the gap with His grace and mercy and love.

I pray that I can carry the burdens for them. For I know where to lay them down. God, I will take their burdens to your cross, and I would like to see you destroy them beyond trace. That there is nothing to turn back to.

Restore the joy to the young generation.

go cougs. sigh

2007-01-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I am a Cougar.
And I have the sweatshirt to prove it.

But dont ask me how exactly I feel about it.

It's not that I am not happy. I love school. Always have, always will. I just love what God is doing with me and my ministry. And I love it more.

Ok well thats it. I just wanted to update you.
Tonight, we have church. And I am expecting something great.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

2007-01-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

I see myself standing in this doorway, with every desire to run through it, but with every intention of stepping back.

That's how my life goes.

Pray for my decision.

monday thought #1

2007-01-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

Are there more angels than humans??

Because if there aren't, then we don't know if there is always a guardian angel beside us. But if there are, then we're set.

[[SING TO ME HOPE]]

SIN

2007-01-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

This post requires feedback. Thanks.

Ok. A friend of mine was talking to me over coffee the other night and began drawing a diagram of different thoughts he had for the upcoming part of his life. Although the conversation was primarily about him, I tried to make it equally applicable to me, so I would too gain from it. I tried to redraw his diagram for you.

So here is my question.
Is there a difference between sin being covered and sin being destroyed? Previously, I recognized the phrases as they were used as interchangeable. But is it possible that they are quite different? This is just a thought. Not a belief.

In his diagram you will see the left side showing a lower foundation of sinful nature. Theft, lust, adultery, lying, etc. Jesus' blood covers over that sin and He begins to lay a mroe righteous foundation. But slowly the previous sin nature begins to stack up on this new structure. And Jesus' blood is once again needed to cover the sin and lay a new foundation. Eventually, had the diagram continues, there would be a tall unstable structure of sin and covering that would seem unsightly. The right side of the diagram suggests the destruction of sin. The untraceable lack of it. Here, the blood of Jesus destroyed sin and then laid a new foundation. There is no remnant of past sin that would even suggest recognition.

Is there a difference?
Is it not worth thought??

Alot of verses talking about sin being covered. In 1 Peter 4:8 in talks about LOVE covers sin. So what if love covers sin. But grace destroys it. Do we have to receive grace in a different way to love? And does it affect our sin nature in a different way?

Does one allow a remnant of flesh? Does the other conquer flesh??

Hmmmmm.

honest men

2006-12-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

This blog is not intended to offend anyone and is in no way meant to be taken as personally offensive.

personality vs. character
two nights ago, i realized - they are different.

I had perviously thought that if you had a good personality, you had a good character. And if you had a good character, you had a good personality. This is not true.

Personality - the visible aspect of one's character as it impresses others; a person as an embodiment of a collection of qualities.
Character - moral or ethical quality; qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity.

From what I can tell based on those two definitions, personality is external and character is internal. This goes back to the "dont judge a book by its cover" expression. What I find myself doing is judging a person's internal character based on their external personality. I would say that this is shameful, but I think an honest person would properly portray their character through their personality. And then, I would not be at fault.
This idea all comes as a result of a conversation I had with Sarah a couple nights ago. She and I had met someone a couple months ago and had become friends with them. We were both excited about the new friendship based on the top notch personality this person appeared to exhibit. Within only a month or so, both she and I had been disappointed in the end by their character. It did not align with the superior personality we had first become excited about. The realization came when in the conversation, I said, "Who would have thought he would have had such a horrible personality". Which made us both stop. Because that was not in fact true. This person had a great personality. It is their character that disappointed us. Not their personality.

It is important for each one of us to recognize both our character and our personality and achieve purity and love in each one. Let not one lie to the other, for how then can you be truely at peace with your person inside working out.
If one is going to exceed the other, let character exceed personality. "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).

i met death

2006-12-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, not literally.

But incase you did not heard, the fun of my weekend in Dallas quickly faded into drastic illness. Most likely caused by food poisoning. For 24 hours, I was unable to walk five steps. But thanks to my incredible roommate [the nurse] and my mother [who brought south african remedies], I made it through the day.
I am better now. And in good news... my 30 seconds to mars vinyl arrived. And it is amazing.

I will update more lately.
I am going to go celebrate the completion of my roomie's hardest final with her. Hoorah!

help me?

2006-12-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

I do apologize. Yesterday I promised a second post, and I just had such a busy day that I never got around to it. Well before I forget, I'll post my God stuff.

Basically, not many came through on the seeking God's face question. Which has baffled my mind since so many people use the phrase. That's your deal.

So I went to the person who had first instigate the interest of what that phrase meant in my mind. Here is the answer I got from him. Please understand that I have not yet fully contemplated my opinion on the matter.

He told me that seeking God's face is not participating in the things that don't give glory to God and focus on activities that do. This could include not playing poker with your friends, or not seeing a movie that doesn't glorify God regardless of the rating. At first, that stressed out my selfish happy self, but in further review, we have to understand that things do not have to be ABOUT God to glorify Him. I will let you know that although I have not seen the movie FIGHT CLUB, I have heard that is very spiritually metaphorical. If you have seen it, maybe you understand.
So if seeking God's face is pursuing the good and perfect... these are the types of questions I am considering. The argument of God's face begins with a literal or figurative meaning. Most people would say that you literally can't see God's face, so it must be figurative. But let me ask... Could a true reflection of God's face be seen in anything that is good and perfect? Literally? That is what I wonder. And what does that even mean.
Mmmm... maybe scratch that idea.

Honestly, that explanation of seeking God's face has left me unsatisfied. There's something else to that phrase that I just dont know yet. There is truth in it, I know that... But what is it?

If you have anything to add, please do.

brian mclaren...

2006-12-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

... is messing with my mind!

yayyyyyy!

gloves for your feet

2006-12-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

OK, so its 9:00am, and I have already learned something today.
My pinky finger is shorter than the expected average adult pinky finger. Thank you to gloves, I realize my fifth finger was supposed to be about a half inch longer. Unfortunately, this all makes sense. My pinky toe has a deformity too... well, the pinky toenail. It's a complicated story, but all you need to know is that it isn't normal.
I blame all this on being two weeks premature. I believe in those last two weeks, my pinky finger would have grown a half-inch longer, and my pinky toenail would have grown normally. It's simple.

Moving on... I had a genious thought walking to the train station this morning. A genious thought that quickly was recognized as completely idiotic. And you will see why once I explain it. So again examining my gloves and how warm my hands were outside in the frigid air, I began to think of my feet and how cold they were in open toed heels. So I thought, Wow! What a good invention... gloves for your feet! Then I realized that I am centuries behind time because gloves for your feet are also known as socks. But before you think I am a total idiot, let me further my explanation. I was more aiming at the social acceptance of wearing socks with open toed shoes. How lame would that be. But if you had socks that matched your gloves and scarf, would there be a way to perpetuate the fashion into social acceptance.

I wonder.

No I don't.

Forget this post.
I will post again in a couple hours about God stuff that I learned last night.

my heart, my pain, wont cover up.

2006-12-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

I think that I have become so good at covering up hurt and pain, that I have come to think it no longer exists within me. And then one day, I will be sitting [driving usually] and a song will play and all emotion will rush to the surface. And it's at that time that I realize I have not built a friendship close enough to anyone that I can actually open up to.
And then I think of who I could.
And its not the person you [or I] would expect.

And then I realize... I open up to the people that open up to me. I trust very little people. And I hate that. But when someone trusts me, I trust them back.

In conclusion, I need Jesus.

Ok... so other than that little spurt, today I decided to continue with commuter reading. This never really ceased, but I have been taking homework along that usually occupied most of the train ride. Today, although I have homework that must be done by the end of tonight, I left it. For without it, I must focus on my commuter reading. Which means I must focus on myself. Which means my focus will turn toward how God is working in my life... and then I can gain more insight into his true nature.

Nooone has answered me on how to seek Gods face. It is partially my fault for not asking the person I really need to, and I will do that tonight. But other than that, you are doing me a great disservice. For I want to understand that phrase better. So I can move it into action.

And then one more opinion:
Should I stay in Houston? or should I move back to Dallas for a year or two?

Let me give you a short list of pros for each:
Houston pros:
- I am a youth leader and about to begin a dance ministry.
- I can begin school at U of H in January.
- I am close to the parents. and friends.
- I have a job.
Dallas pros:
- I can go back to TCU Fall 2007 and not have to retake so many courses. [the big one]
- I have friends moving up there in the fall that I can live with.
- I can finish what I started.
- I have friends in Dallas too.
[cons for dallas include no job, no church, no more being a youth leader with a dance ministry, and the possibility of making yet another mistake.]

laugh indoors

2006-11-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

Today...
Today is the day that you are supposed to start listening to Christmas music. I am sorry for all you who started too early, you now look like fools. You have to wait for the 40 degree drop in temperature before you really acknowledge the season. So today... today you can all start listening to Christmas music.

Along with doing that,
I will be proposing to Ben Gibbard tonight. So cross your fingers on that one. The two-and-a-half-month wait since I bought the Death Cab tickets is now over. So happy birthday, Sarah. Tonight, you will be sitting at home eating cheetos, naked, on a bean bag chair, and Sarah and I will be baring our souls.
You have fun.
And we will too.

To make you laugh:

toothpastefordinner.com

The truth behind things like that is what makes them so incredibly hilarious. Chuckle.

Dear friends,

2006-11-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

I am currently accepting donations for the "Lauren goes to Dallas" fund.

If you wish to make a donation, please make checks directly out to me, myself.

Any contribution is kindly appreciated.

Have a blessed day.

XO.

Lauren.

[p.s.: I apologize for the lack of depth of my last few posts. I haven't been reading much besides useless galactic information. When I get back to my book, I will make up for the lost time. Thank you for your understanding.]

sigh it was all a matter of time....

2006-11-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

Adware sample targets Mac OS X

bad news.

question for you.

2006-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

what does it mean to seek God's face?

WHAT?!?!?

2006-11-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

... That is how this weekend is left me. Most of which is not for public attention.

However, let me recap the past week. My highlights include situations that affected me emotionally. So here we go.

church.
I was expecting five or more of my friends to come to church on Wednesday as my guests. I told everyone I was doubling the youth group population in one night. By the beginning of church, one friend had shown up. I became discouraged. During the last song, a hand touched my shoulder, and I turned around. One more friend had shown up. But I was still discouraged. What I had learnt by the end of the service is that I had to see that God had done enough. Bringing two of my friends to service is enough. He had been faithful. It is not about how I wanted the night to go, it is about how He wanted it. And it was good.

burnt cookies.
On Friday night, we had Benaiah rehearsal. Afterwards, a bunch of the girls came down to my apartment to spend the night. I cooked hamburger helper, and we watched Jubilee videos. If some of you had not heard, about a month ago, I entrusted my friends with some amazing cookies I was baking, and they let them burn. I wanted to cry. So this time, I told the girls they could make it up to me and bake me cookies while I was getting ready for bed. While I was in the bathroom, I heard the oven beep, and I heard Mo shout that the cookies were ready. When I came out about five minutes later, she turned to me and asked me if I had taken the cookies out. I almost fainted. Once again, my cookies had been left to blacken. I give up. No more cookies, fat man.

s'mores.
I love them.

speechless.
Do you ever go back and think about a conversation in which you were left with no words, when words would have been a really good thing to have at the time?? You're just left there staring at the person with nothing at all to say. Filled with the fear of even trying to say something that makes sense. And the moment ends. That was it. Your chance to say something profound, and nothing. Ahhh. Life.

lastly... commuter reading.
This is something I read while coming into work today. It hit close to home:
"But in real life, one of the most amazing things that can happen to any of us is to have a moment [...], where we realize that in spite of all our sincerity and drive, we're closing in on the wrong goal. And even better, to find out that our worst failure has been swallowed up in someone else's save. Thats repentance" (McLaren, The Secret Message of Jesus, 108).
Yikes. I pray for clarity.

Stay classy.

the kingdom of God

2006-11-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

"In spite of these synergies between Paul's mystery and Jesus' secret message, we must admit that Paul doesn't speak in parables as Jesus did. But consider this: perhaps Paul doesn't need to use parables to illustrate and "hide" his message. Perhaps Paul himself is in fact a walking, talking parable traveling among other walking, talking communities of parables. Perhaps Paul's own story of transformation -- from a hateful religious bigot to a bridge-building messenger of love and reconciliation -- embodies and exemplifies the transforming and reconciling power of the good news of the kingdom. And perhaps the people he is gathering and networking are themselves -- individually and as communities -- a medium that contains the secret message of Jesus. Could it be that the message is hidden in them, in their common life, just as it was hidden in the parables of Jesus? Paul says as much in his second letter to the Corinthian church (3:2-3), when he tells them that they are a letter, an incarnated message, written not with ink but rather with the Spirit of the living God, not chiseled on stone tablets but embodied in living human hearts. [...] Is this beginning to make sense? Can you see how the secret message of Jesus is meant not just to be heard or read but to be seen in human lives, in radically inclusive reconciling communities, written not on pages in a book but in lives and hearts of friends? Can you see how the kigndom, originally hidden in parables, began to be hidden in new place -- in the stories of real people and real communites across the Roman Empire and, eventually, around the world? Can you imagine yourself and your community of faith as a living parable where the secret message of Jesus could be hidden today?" (McLaren, The Secret Message of Jesus, 101-102)

-- the Brian McLaren version of a Bob Nix lesson I heard several years ago.

i guess i am just a worrier. thats why my friends call me whiskers.

2006-11-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

So last night... the theme was lonely.
So here I am today to blog about it.

Talking to a friend last night, we were discussing our different loneliness. And throughout the night, my understanding of how I feel expanded. Alot of you know that my last relationship was intense, and it's still popping up randomly to bite me in the behind. But slowly, I am loosing myself of its grip. Now, for the first time in ages, I don't even like anyone. Noone. How strange is that. I've had "crushes" [how junior high] since my last relationship, but none have been fruitful. And yes, I know the last one was lame. Thank you to everyone who tried to convince me that it wasn't lame, but it was. But it's over, and I am supposing that that is a good thing. The "crush" came from the myriad of outside opinion I received, like friend recommendations of his. But the so-called crushee didn't even prove to be a good friend. So who wants that, right. So now what?? I don't even know who to turn my attention to. I guess it's time to learn how to not.

My worry about where I am right now is that there is little to keep my heart busy. I worry that I will begin to miss people that I shouldn't miss. And then where will I end up.
But then if I take a step back and look at my life... this feeling that I have completely comes into battle with what I heard from God on Sunday. So maybe, it is simply my first test. Will I pass??

Maybe.

help?

2006-11-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

oh, and i need your help maybe.

I am trying to decide on a name for my dance team at church. If you have any suggestions let me know.
I have some ideas about things with it. I think I have picked the first song we will dance to. Unless God directs me in another direction.

It is Hold Still by Sleeping at Last.

mmmm...

And the word Achazia means "the Lord holds".
Chaika - life.

I am not sure. I am still looking.
Let me know if you have any suggestions.

There is truth that's hiding
Behind every wall that surrounds us.
It takes a lifetime
To pull the bricks away.

who's holding ME up??

2006-11-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

ahhh this weekend was Dance Revolution...
I've been going every year since it started minus last year, I couldn't make it. But its always good. Sarah and I had a good flying experience there. We arrived with nowhere to stay [we're avid believers in living in the now], so we ended up purchasing a hotel room for one night. I'm not going to continue on the moment-to-moment replay, but let's get to sunday morning.
Every sunday morning at Dance Revolution, they have a church service and a production by the teachers. It always is directly from God and breaks the hearts of the thousand or so dancers in the room. Every year it breaks mine. Every year for a different reason.
This year, my walk has changed. I left my studio last week to pursue youth ministry with my whole heart. What am I thinking?? Sometimes I dont understand why I think I can do it, but I know I can. All my friends are dancers. That's all I know. And now I am trying to do something completely different. I used to be upset that im not a amazing fabulous dancer, but there's something bigger for me to pursue. I will always dance. I hope by the grace of God that I will always dance. But my call is farther than that. Dance is my worship, not my calling. And I discovered my heart for youth ministry at Dance Revolution four years ago or so, and in God's plan, that is where he had me the week that I dropped what I new and took a step into the shadows. I pray that next year I will be at Dance Revolution with my NCC dance team. That would make my heart smile.

Anyway, my call into youth ministry is always reconfirmed. The greatest feeling I know is when I am able to help or comfort a student. To be there. When they let me be there.
But yesterday morning, I felt discouraged. There are adults in my life that I look up to as spiritual leaders. And I have slowly realized that they're not as interested in being my spiritual leaders as I am interested in having them as mine. It breaks my heart. Where are the adults that have been a part of my life for 4, 5, 6 years?? Why aren't they helping me?? Why do I have to have a stranger pray for my dance team because I don't feel like anyone else will?? Now I understand why I think I will fail. Because noone actually cares if I succeed.

And then at the last moment of my hurt and pain coming to the surface, a leader gave me a hug. A leader I have never been close to, but I have always wanted to be closer to. And she spoke life into me. For that ten seconds, someone I recognize as a leader cared about what I was doing. That one word won't keep me going forever, but it got me through yesterday. And it will get me through today.

In other news, I just wanted to let you know that I am not always insanely mushy like it appears. It is just the stuff that I blog about. I mean you don't care what I do throughout my day. And even you did, it wouldn't benefit you at all. So I hope that this does a little. Plus daily things arent as interesting. Like I wouldnt blog about poking a badger with a spoon. Well, a badger. Ok, I would probably blog about poking a badger with a spoon. But not a squirrel. If I poked a squirrel with a spoon, I would let that slide.

You should have a great monday.
I know I will.

the good and the perfect

2006-11-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

i guess yesterdays post was too long.
i think it made people exhausted just looking at it from what i heard, and noone read it. yall are just plain lazy. but maybe that is a good thing because it may have been too harsh for such a new subject.
i use my blog to work through my own head. sometimes uninhibited. changing subjects...

today is full. and its waiting for you to absorb it. how many days go by that we dont receive everything that is being thrown our way?? or even get a taste of the goodness?? every moment contains a blessing that God wants to pour out on our lives. how do we become more sensitive to the good and the perfect in each moment??

to be filled and full and overflowing...
that is my desire for you and i today.

the MANY spiritual gifts.

2006-11-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

So... something has me rather frustrated. and it doesn't matter too much, but I am going to share it with you anyway.

It is spiritual gifts. Let me repeat that. Spiritual GIFTS. Not gift. GIFTS.
Please know that my opinion on all of this is still open-minded, and I pray your grace for me if my mind changes. It is a mind. It can change. Got it.

ok.
spiritual gifts.

I went to a retreat this weekend. Resisted, at first, the altar call to receive the gift of speaking in tongues, but then I decided I would open my mind and see what God did with me. So I went down to the altar. No, I didnt receive the gift of tongues. But it's the conversations that followed that has led me into frustration. Another leader, like myself, began to tell me what my church thinks about the gift of speaking in tongues. He went on about how it is the only evidence of the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and that you will receive better robes in heaven once you have been baptized in the Holy Spirit. blech.
It makes me think of that time that Jesus said he would spit us out if we were luke warm. It makes me want to throw up. It rubs me the wrong way. I feel like it establishes a religious hierarchy that I want nothing to do with. It is all about self. That was not the message that Jesus brought.
So, I must tell you that I am planning to speak to my youth pastor about it all and find out his opinions, but I haven't yet. So bare with that fact. I have consulted some people that I feel have opinions based on good faith that I trust and recognize.

Yesterday, I decided to consult the Scriptures about the matter, and all I found are words that supported my initial disgust. Here we go:

"There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.
Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.
The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink." - 1 Corinthians 12:4-13

It lists all the different gifts of the spirit!! Not everyone will be gifted with speaking in tongues. Then we would all be eyes, so how would we hear?? We can't all function as the same part of the body of Christ. That is made clear in the Scriptures. I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 12-14, and you decide what it all means. It says to pray for greater gifts, and I will. I will pray for the gift of tongues and prophecy, but if that is not my spiritual gift, then it has to be OK.

Things will change once I talk to my youth pastor.

But this is my basic question for him...

If my spritual gift that I receive from the Holy Spirit is faith to move mountains, will my church recognize that in me and honor it?? Will they rejoice in what I have received?? Or will they say that I still fall short because I am a different part of the body??

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!' On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." - 1 Corinthians 12:21-26

On another note, I understand that speaking in tongues is an honorable gift to receive from the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I also understand that speaking in tongues is the human spirit speaking to God. It is completely about self. But who can show me scriptural evidence that my spirit can only communicate with God verbally?? If you can show it to me in Scripture, I will believe it.

I think this gift is so aptly abused. Out of the all the people that went up to the altar on Saturday night, over 90% raised their hands when asked if they had received the gift of tongues. I am sorry. But if that figure is representative of the whole body of Christ, we are missing something. I cant imagine that 90% of people are gifted with speaking in tongues, and the other 8 or so gifts are divided in the "left over" 10%.

Ok, well, I think you get the point of what I am trying to convey.
The one thing that excites me about this is that I am beginning to recognize and build my own belief system. That makes my heart happy.
Rejoice with me.

Able was I ere I saw Elba

2006-11-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

gotta love those palindromes.

bahahaha.

and check out the longest words. thats some pretty fun stuff.

and then just check out the rest of the long website. thats what im doing.
post later.

and its done.

2006-11-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

oh, and i forgot to add... my first video is basically complete. i may tweak a little more. but i think ill probably just move on.
here it is:

i must thank Josh for the 101 on iMovie. as well as Johnny, for inspiring me to join the Apple revolution. and David, for being there.

MANSFIELD RAWKS!

disciple, first. Christian, later.

2006-11-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

This is something that was briefly mentioned in church last night, but it affected my soul.
You know what i mean.

"The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch" (Acts 11:26).

Here is the key problem with Christianity today. That was a bold statement. Maybe not the KEY problem, but its up there. There are too many "Christians" who are not disciples. We have gotten it backwards, myself included. No wonder people turn away from the church. From Jesus. From God. Because his followers aren't really doing a good job. We aren't doing what we were shown to do. We aren't being good representations of his life and his love. We aren't learning from his teachings, receiving discipline, getting to know him like we should be. In all my life, I have been told, you become a "Christian" and then later when you're more mature... you can start to be a disciple. WRONG. gah. who woulda thunk it. I am reading a couple of books. This next quote is from one of them.

"The Church is a continuation and extension of the original band of disciples, a group of people learning the ways of Jesus as a voluntary community." (Brian McLaren, a Generous Orthodoxy 70)

We MUST become disciples of Christ FIRST. That is how it was with the first disciples... Nothing has changed about it.
Disciple: One who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another.

EMBRACES and ASSISTS

There is something we are missing. We must be disciples, first. We must embrace the teachings of Christ wholeheartedly, and assist in spreading them. Then we can call ourselves Christian. Until then, we have to quit misrepresenting Jesus and pretending we have it down. Because we don't. And we're ruining things. It's time for things to turn around. Have a revelation, and let's get going. We've got to bring people back that WE have misled. Are you with me?

Be a disciple of Christ. It means far more than being a "Christian".

so there is this building...

2006-11-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

ok. So I walk like a mile through downtown houston every day from the train to my office. And there's this building. I totally connect with it. How strange is that. It's like we share a secret that noone else knows. Now it is only this way in the early morning when the sun is rising.
It is the architecture.
It seems to me that the architect expressed his pure creativity in the building. The creativity that is God-given and God-like. That is what makes me smile. That is what makes my heart connect. It is all in the design. He managed to capture a moment of God's awesomeness. I will have to take a picture sometime and show you. It will make your heart giddy.

Moving on...
Today is November 1st. So... happy November fools day!!
But in bigger news, November is pancreatic cancer awareness month. If any of you all knew Pat Wicker, you know how important this month is. If you dont, let me catch you up slightly. But I cant capture her in words by any means. She was basically a spiritual mother to me. She was pure, and graceful, and loved the Lord with everything in her. I long to be like that. She was a perfect mother. She was a perfect wife. She is a perfect role-model.
She passed away a year ago from pancreatic cancer. But not even that muted her faithfulness.
This month we celebrate her life and her faith, as well as pour out support for pancreatic cancer research.

Ms. Wicker loved me in a way I had never felt love before. And she taught me more about life than she ever knew she did.

in loving memory of Patricia Kay Wicker.
in His grace.

i miss you.